Office Of The Secretary Of The Office Of The Center

Assuming Horses At The Zoo

2011-05-24T21:03:00.002-04:00

When a group of foreigners want to control a local religious group that people don't know a lot about and they themselves seem to not know much about either, or deliberately misrepresent to test out anyone who really knows about the religion, and they seem to know a lot of things they would have learned about one person in particular from several groups who are sexually involved with children but from different profile, preference and method types, one is inclined to assume the common denominator is something sexual involving children, and it is a bit uncommon when the idea of a human chop shop comes to mind in any setting.
*another thing that is odd about this situation is how they haven't ever missed "witnessing" any questionable thing I participated in in any way, even if I was clearly being drug through it by my nose which seems very odd as they have seen nothing but these incidents and I cant think of anything checkered that has happened since 1972 that they haven't at least mentioned once, sometimes mentioning details I myself had forgotten, or couldn't see from my own perspective*
**in fact I tend to respond to their accusations by saying "but what were you doing there?" and oddly that doesn't actually work**

We Like Me Better Like This

2011-05-24T14:20:00.000-04:00

A lot of us have never understood what exempts some people from what everyone we know has gone through. I mean don't get me wrong, I spent about as much time playing dolls as most people its just I think most people didn't used to tie their dolls up to the amusement of their step whatsits.
Some people who have been in situations like ours think it serves some purpose to invent a "normal" childhood but that just reinforces mistaken beliefs about the origins of common behaviors many of our culture's institutions are based on. It leads people to try to replicate the process and then be puzzled at their different results.
Still some how or another the increasingly shrinking number of people who have "normal" childhoods can serve various purposes and they do tend to have the ability to do boring repetitive jobs a lot better than people who had the more ancient and empowered parts of their brains stimulated more strongly, frequently and early than those who have no idea or frame of reference to understand what we are talking about.
What eventually emerges is that those of us whose view has been broadened to such an extreme end up learning how to replicate the effects we enjoy towards young people and even older people in order to increase our numbers beyond what are naturally created by people who think small means no consequences without directly engaging in some of the behaviors that people find disturbing in theory and speech but never actually report, though letting the people who do those things take care of that process as they want in the course of their own selfish aims saves us the jeopardy and penalties that come from doing far less violent or sexual things that cant be fully hidden and that people feel unthreatened by enough to report.

Odd Aspects Of That Conversation

2011-05-24T10:28:00.001-04:00

When I wanted to go inside and poo I got kinda upset and decided to try to go in by myself but I got very confused. I told Becky I was just going to go in by myself and she said try it and see what happens.
I had been given some kind of drug by her and Rosy that caused a dysfunction in a specific part of my brain that allowed me to respond to instruction and behave in a dependent way but I couldn't act my age which was older than my size indicated.
I told the people at the orphan home that Becky and Rosy and been trying to make me say the Fatiha on the toilet and things like that and that I was older than I looked but when they tried to give me at test to determine my maturity level I couldn't understand it at all.
It always seems odd to me that shortly after that the "leader of all the muslims" bought me for liquidation and I was being sold for insisting on remaining muslim even though things started to crumble in my brain.

Out there in the scattered hard drives is information about groups based in muslim countries who take organs from children no questions asked. Heavy culling is my main problem with a lot of people but it persists because of these markets.

*children survive being sexually abused as long as they aren't sold for parts, even if they get diseases. If it slips down the priority list because of a thing children don't survive, there should be more emphasis on adult inclusion somewhere in the process, but sometimes a strong mafia can be better than a strong government especially when the government is severely self limiting*

Taking A Break

2011-05-24T09:51:00.001-04:00

After last nights storms and predictions of the possibility of similar weather over the next couple of days I figure its a good time to take a little break from walking out to where I am a couple miles from solid shelter. My new muscles could probably use it too.
Last night was a weird night and it became obvious Wayne and upstairs menace were working together to keep a certain pattern of noise going. I had the odd experience of falling lucidly asleep an at the instant that I could see color in my dream a police siren woke me up. I didn't check the exact time, but I wonder what the incident reported was related to that one siren blast. Maybe it was an ambulance, its no longer possible to tell the difference.
Without the fans and air conditioners and devices designed specifically for the purpose of blocking out random noise it was too easy to hear directionality and to notice that noises sounded coordinated especially in their start and their relationships to my own candle lighting.

The Benefits Of A Well Stocked Freezer

2011-05-24T08:21:00.000-04:00

All those one cup containers of vegetarian beans served as so many blocks of ice and saved my milk from being a waste.
I kept hoping the wind would take out the surveilance post with the blacked out windows (ok white shades but they'd be the ones to call the cops if I blocked my windows like that) across from my own windows with a camera trained on mine 24/7 but the dynamics made it untenable.
Roxy works a different kind of energy than I do. I was told there were a lot of methods that weren't pure. Because she isn't actually free she can use techniques to block out some things that I cant use because I need more flexibility. But it gives her stuff a much more disturbing feel.
Anyway they got the power on around here around 6 am. But its bizarre how it was on just a block away, and it was obvious the wiring has been routed in a manner marking a distinct pattern based on economics.
I thought of that when I thought of the greater percentage of the electric bills of all of us that are just the hook up fee and taxes, sometimes it half my bill.

How The Past Really Passes

2011-05-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

There are hundreds of people still living on who might at any moment without warning decide we are evidence of something they don't want disclosed about their own adult decisions. While we know the names and proclivities of some of these people there is still a chance people we regarded as fairly minor players, for as long as they are living on, will decide that they cant live with the possibilities of disclosure our own continuing lives even at a very meek level continue to represent until such time is there is no further threat in the form of the actual actors in these events, but then it will come from some of their descendants or companions for a potentially even longer time.
But I agree and I sure would like to put the past in the past and lay it to rest.

A Particular Kind Of Pretrial Diversion

2011-05-23T16:18:00.001-04:00

I remembered why I was in foster care to begin with. Becky and I were outside the house on Jeff Fort Road because she was waiting for Gary to bring her some heroin, but he was late and I had to poop and I kept saying I wanted to go inside so I could poop and she kept telling me to hold it but finally I couldn't and I pooped right there in the front yard without taking my panties down, so Becky who hates all things poop and who was afraid that if she wasn't out there to flag him down Gary would drive on by yelled at me so loud that some of the neighbors who still consisted of some stay at home women back then heard what she was saying to me, then we rushed back outside in time for her to run after Gary who had just passed in his car.
When she caught up with him they fucked in the front seat while I was in the back while the song "Somebody done somebody wrong song" was on the radio. Gary was her first smack dealer so Becky was really in love with him and being telepathic it was a major experience for me.
Anyway the police weren't far behind all of this.
At that time Becky had no documents on me at all, but she said she just hadn't gotten around to it. She had to do some time because she got caught for possession and possibly prostitution and Gramps refused to pay her bail but after all of us in the foster care center which seemed like a school got syphilis they decided to do some pretrial diversions on a lot of low level offending whores.
Becky then tried to explain that she just got me from another woman who wanted rid of me (I remember I had dark brown curls at the poo incident but was blonde again by the time I went back to Jeff Fort Road, the other woman used to dye my hair whenever she came to get me even after this point) and they told her that if she stuck to that story to get out of her parental obligations they would have to charge her with kidnapping or child traffiking and she would be in prison forever, so she shut up and agreed to get papers for Heather who I met at the center while she was also getting papers for me at a time and place they would arrange. Similar arrangements were made for most of the other kids except for Roxy who was too hard to pass off as someone who had always been there because of her deafness.
*Gramps wouldn't have had money for bail, but he was also in jail for contempt of court at this time, Rosy however may have had enough money but that wasn't ever going to happen, it was also such a piddly charge at that time, that if she had bailed out charges would have been reduced to a fine, but people tended to stall prosecution of cases where no bail was posted when the bail was pretty low, to save the expense of a trial and providing a public defender a little longer, or to find some alternative use which I guess happened a lot back then, maybe still does in some places*

An Interesting Case For A Lot Of Things

2011-05-23T15:48:00.001-04:00

I really wanted to be "good" in the sense short of dead but in general what the racist mean, as in working or "pulling my own weight" and even theirs too as is normal when a non white is permitted to work. But Roxy told me why they started screening some people out of the workforce in childhood that I didn't want to accept but that I know is true. There was a case of modern enslavement and torture where all the victims were high functioning people with downs or autism or some perceptual impairment who were mainstreamed and worked but seemed kind of off and were isolated. They were isolated but also in contact with a lot of people, some who noticed that they were isolated and saw opportunity.
It was decided that the people who had stayed safe from this were the people who learned early not to try that kind of thing and had not been going beyond a small community even if they lived in a large city and especially were never in the situations that working can put people in especially if there are long bus or train rides involved or they are asked to to tasks by themselves because of the complaints coworkers have either legitimate or fabricated.
I didn't want to accept this though because I had had to over stimulate even with everyone around me knowing about this because of the repeated brain injuries and knowing that it is better to struggle to be self maintaining in daily needs even if it means you have to overshoot into that territory where you can kinda work but nobody will cry when the wolves eat you in front of them and sometimes they call wolves they know and tell them this.
So in the course of my adventures through the world of Bill's foster relationship network or Gary's clique or any number of other groups who have caused problems even for the people who try to stay out of people's way because they also like the edge places to do things with the people isolated within the working environment, nobody in my own extensive network of supportive family intervened. They knew they wouldn't kill me and unless I could sort this out all by my self I really couldn't work could I because there would be another group after this and another till the end of time.
But there are some things that I need that a lot of other similar people also need. Like low income housing that isn't full of drug cooks. While we like to be integrated into society, because of our enforced poverty integration can only happen at a very poor level, so our only legal alternative concerning housing is to reserve buildings only for people on some form of social security though this includes old people.
There is a wide range of function within that group though. There are a lot of existing facilities for older people who need more assistance but not as many for younger people, especially the males who whatever else is going on with them are hormonally normal and tall and strong as anyone. Those people whose own families worry about them sometimes are within the need more assistance group, while I'm thinking I just need a low rent functional building free of meth cooks. Luckily we own several buildings some of which are already in use as rehab centers for drug users, who if they notice that they are in the midst of ordinary retards, might not think its so cool to have a pretext to live in this neighborhood anymore and focus more seriously on real life changes.
Actually, when a person's basic needs are met and you don't mean "kick them out to starve and be abused on the street" but let them live with people they think are creepy or ooky but not really dangerous tough love isn't that bad a term, but I've never heard anyone use it like that.
*a lot of employers have made plain a number of safety issues that cost them money when deaf people or people in wheelchairs want to work, and they are also fearful of ambiguous liabilities if they hire a group of people who ends up doing something terrible to some individual they hired just because they were a little different and the best thing they feel they can do to avoid that is not to hire people who are little different*

The Term "Tough Love"

2011-05-23T14:51:00.000-04:00

Gramps feels that term just means hate or selfishness. He has never seen a real mother use that term or anyone who really cared about their child. Sometimes whores can forget that they adopted their children but when a "step father" starts making a point to point out all he could do for the whore if the kids weren't around "tough love" tends to be mentioned.
But its even weirder to hear complete strangers council "tough love" to actual family especially concerning a grandchild who has gotten things together after years of abuse that didn't end in childhood to keep the rent and bills paid and supper on the table even though the abuse still only takes brief breaks till someone thinks of something new to do.
No one ever talks about "tough love" when an administrator at a university is still bothering someone six years after graduation, when he had no real cause to bother that person even during their education. And when the whore is talking about throwing her kids out on the street, its rare when people mention the the whore is also lazy and not pulling her own weight.

Whatever Happened To Foxy?

2011-05-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

Today in the woods I saw a cat up ahead of me on the path but it was sitting in light and shadow in such a way that it seemed to change shape several times as I approached including looking briefly like a fox and for a moment like a stick with cat ears that you might miss if you didn't look closely. As I saw the cat flicker between shapes I started laughing because foxes are shape shifters and then it dawned on me that the fox was interested in me for more than my deodorant which smells a lot like locust blossoms. Gramps once said that the thing that tipped him off about the right way to treat people like me and children who have been in our situation was the way the forest creatures and fairies continued to treat us like pure beings.
But not all foxes are relatively benign and foxlike humans are still humans as well.
Quite a while ago I started to hear that foxy saw our childhood relationship differently than I did. To me it was play among equals but she saw a status difference that didn't exist then and doesn't exist now. It disturbed me to hear about this but I decided to stash that somewhere I wouldn't see it very often and wait to process it when it seemed opportune.

Mom used to handle a lot of things herself that Squiggly and a lot of other people thought was totally beneath her so while Roxy was getting an upgrade Squiggly decided Foxy could take on those aspects of Mom's former role that were beneath a companion of mine. I don't want to get too specific about it but by splitting up the role it is possible for both Yums to lead reasonably respectable lives while still being fairly criminal, however, there is a status difference between the two of them, one knowing my status and the other still finding this a bit confusing so when there is more risk and less reward it falls to Foxy whose shape shifting is a bit different from that of Thousand Faced Goddess do deal with those issues.

Moments Of Truth

2011-05-23T10:34:00.001-04:00

My nephew told Roxy some things about what conditions he set on me to insure that he handed her back to me when their contract was finished but didn't explain a whole lot of other things. The thing was that finding her in the state she was in he couldn't assure others who might argue their own cases that I was the best place to return her to, even though I clearly was at least in terms of not intending to sell her for parts, except he wasn't sure I could defend her from people who would just take her for that purpose.
He had mentioned to her that I needed to play a video game for a while, but hadn't explained that he told me to do about a phone book full of other things first.
Quite a few years ago I decided I needed a cat, but I ended up with a semi ferrel neutered tom who grew to the size of a small lion and turned out to be completely nocturnal. Still I wanted to try to make the relationship work so I went to walmart to try to find a remote enforcement device but decided that a super soaker was a bad idea so I came back with a nerf crossbow.
Roxy was too curious to let me do that unquestioned and she wanted to know also where I was at in meeting my conditions. She became pretty depressed when I said I wasn't playing video games and the cross bow was meant to let the cat know I could reach beyond my arms if I had to (the cat just chewed up the bolts and continued to ignore me). I don't think it helped too much either when I told her that tornadoes were going to blow the roofs off a lot of mother fuckers and collateral and that their hard drives and photo albums would not publicly but saliently inform too many people of the prevalence of so many activities some of us knew too much about already and how such things sheltered in such nice neighborhoods using such normal policies for cover because she said learning to aim like that takes a longer time than she wanted to wait.
*in other words get undepressed and stop eating so much*

The Pool From Which To Draw

2011-05-23T10:18:00.001-04:00

Squiggly can not only make sure you don't feel stress but he can also become very distracting. He usually only feels inclined to do this when people are being oppressed. Oppression is an often misunderstood word because people think it means not to make anyone do anything or not to be mean to anyone but this is impossible. Its oppression to make people do things or be mean to them when they don't deserve it.
While a lot of women can learn the skills the Isas are into, it would be oppression to and from most of them because they have other obligations or can be trusted with other kinds of responsibilities but there are some women who cant be trusted with anything at all and who among those kinds of women stand out further in their innovative ways of using an advantage in beauty for oppressing others even being very good at profiling the least deserving for the worst things.
It should never appear that these women have been rewarded. Its best that the simply disappear in a manner that causes people to assume they met a very bad fate so no one aspires to be like them. Of course this might actually be true, because if this kind of woman cant serve Isa one way, he has other tastes which he shares with a lot of us, and if they wont be good sports one way we can have good sport with them another way.
*while this is the eventual goal, skills have to develop over time, meaning the participation and the rejection will not be as total but will increase in increments as milestones are passed*

Find Other Ways To Be Nice To Them

2011-05-23T08:25:00.000-04:00

You know that guy who just lays there and has things taken care of for him? That needs to be you, because once you start trying to do that you will find out just how good at it you are. Isn't that your goal anyway, and I mean not just sexually but we all have to start on what is salient to us first.

When Squiggly first took over the world and ruled it in person, people kept warning him that if he didn't let other men rule sometimes he wouldn't like what was coming, but he felt he wouldn't like them ruling either. It was true he wouldn't have liked that, and they weren't qualified as he saw it because they were unevolved enough that they still felt it would be necessary once they took power to kill or oppress everyone Squiggly had favored. No matter how hard he tried to sell these people to them as self functioning pre trained no further maintenance required autonomous sources of unending benefits the other men of his time vying for power could not overcome the idea that they had served another man.
Unfortunately none of the men Squiggly cultivated so much had been stressed enough to have the attributes needed to rule the world at that time and the only other possible candidate was too stressed out.
Regardless of all of this when Squiggly's 108 thousand year term was up it was up and there was no way to generate circumstances he could use to regain power until another man evolved to be able to do that first. At this point he was willing to risk the rules of the other men who once vied with him but they had stopped trying.
So it became the plan for him to rule in the chaos by directing other people to partially control various areas but in a manner to cultivate a selected group of men to be able to almost rule in their own power, though each would have to deal with some small area that they didn't control, and in return they would generate circumstances to keep the one man evolving on his own in a low stress environment long enough to requalify for the job. At this point the one thing these men didn't have control of would break loose and Big Isa would have to put that down and control the whole world.
But each man has his own methods to do this kind of thing and Squiggly especially favors those who put the least effort into whatever they accomplish especially if they accomplish a lot. Once you find your sweet spot when it comes to return on energy expended it starts to fall into place very quickly though you hit plateaus over and over again.

Taking The Bait On That Real Fast

2011-05-23T08:03:00.001-04:00

They have a good line on who is knocking me off line at this point and they should probably be careful about maintaining their usual contacts for a while.

The Non Rabbit Isa

2011-05-23T07:50:00.002-04:00

Big Isa time travels. Not all the time because sometimes Rabbit Isa needs me to focus on here and now but he wanted to clear some things up.
My nephew tried to get me to do the psychic easy love thing a lot sooner because the girls in Rabbit Isa's life were pretty bad for him but he wouldn't consider avoiding them. Big Isa says he never will but what ends up happening is he gets better at seeing them and using them only for what they are. He's really not very good at that now but is starting to create different accounts for women like me and women like them but it will always be the thing that divides us that they are physically available and I am only psychically available.
However at some point he says he starts to watch Roxy and I a lot and he gets pretty specific about while Roxy really seems to enjoy me as me, Big Isa still likes cultivatedly fake girls to the exclusion of all other types.
*I mean girls so fake they are sure they are real*
**Roxy absolutely refuses to consider even for a moment teaching me that my teeth are not a fundamental part of the experience and this is not something Isa Rabbit or Big finds pleasant, but as Roxy is responsible for my bodily security and my primary companion she doesn't see why he needs me to even think about that except enough to know how much effort those other girls put into learning to do things that way**

Harder Than You Think

2011-05-23T07:38:00.000-04:00

Its interesting that states are starting to go hard core on succeeding from the union under the term of a black president. Of course the reasons that states were a little shy to try this before out in the open (many have succeeded mafia style where they just do it but don't actually change any laws on the books) is they didn't want to grant any white man group the kind of power that once invoked has a tendency not to be revoked quickly.
I guess they don't believe a black man can wield that kind of power or that he would have enough support if he tried it.

Its Like That Story I Used To Tell Olga About Potatoes

2011-05-22T21:52:00.000-04:00

After the first time she knew there were never really any potatoes but she would go along nicely with me because she enjoyed hearing stories about them.
Roxy eventually suffered emotional death in the foster care system. Being unable to hear nothing woke her from it so she could start roaming around as a sociopath as so many do until my nephew heard people talking about buying her for parts. Bribes are pretty common in the foster care system and my nephew isn't hurting for cash. He obtained the opportunity to spend time with her under the usual but unstated assumptions and almost felt that he had tried everything he could to wake her up when he finally thought to tell her she could wake up and be a girl and that got her attention.
In the foster care system, even if boys and girls are abused the same, girls tend to find homes a lot easier and all associated trips to the ice cream parlor or the beach.
Eventually though not officially he was able to set up an arrangement where by he would pick her up for church which consisted of the retreatism deal.
The person who had been brought up in the fostercare system around here really did die though Roxy kept her ghost around to help develop characters, and while the person in the red dress most people have seen doesn't define her full persona, Roxy identifies more with her than she does with that kid.

Having Time For All This

2011-05-22T15:31:00.000-04:00

Even though the Formless Path doesn't have a lot of rules, a common practice is to meditate or process information only while simultaneously doing something else that serves no purpose at all. There are milestones that indicate that you have a lot more free time than originally thought or that you have more capacity to process more things faster but for the most part these kinds of outward activities are only used to show that you aren't abandoning something you should be doing or some obligation you have towards others that is going to cause you or others problems in the long run.
One reason for having people do things that seem kinda useless is to see if they can get away with it even when they aren't processing anything too major. Because once people start seeing you having results it can turn into Cinderella's dress in that all sorts of people start showing up saying you shouldn't have had time for this because I needed you for this and that. But if you can read a pile of books that have no relevance to anything going on on this planet, or get to level 280 in Endless Bejeweled its pretty hard to say someone really needed you for anything at all. And if you do both plus other things that even the people who would object say was a real waste of time then you have plenty to tell people if they try to claim they needed you for something in the past or need you for something more important now.

Spit Shining A Turd

2011-05-21T21:14:00.000-04:00

My nephew just told me that he made a contract for 30 years with Roxy. That means its nearly over in the grand scheme of things but it still means we have a little while to comply with certain decorum issues that temporally supersede our deeper ties.
Its a respectable period of time and honors Roxy but those thirty years started when we were 12 so about the time we started being more deeply interested in each other and other people our age were getting together so it seemed pretty strange to me at least that nothing was happening along those lines.
Thats why Gramps started pointing out how hormones are a pain in the ass all the time.
Roxy hasn't been able to keep the honor part of things in mind for most of this experience and has thrown a bunch of tantrums that had to be appeased. This situation also meant that she wasn't available to us in any capacity too much of the time to make a priority of dealing with any missperceptions she was having about my situation. Including that she knew I had extra chromosomes but didn't know that I had been mainstreamed.
Gramps and Roxy both had argued that though 30 years is the most honorable duration that could have been offered, there were worries about my safety and career issues and so things had to be negotiated concerning that and my nephew said he would be responsible for making sure I didn't end up a prostitute but I had to accept their relationship. At one point though part of doing that meant Roxy and I had to be together but I had to spend an equal amount of time at the retreatism do dad or my nephew would have dropped his end of things. The thing was that the working environment or trying to work was putting me into contact with people who would do worse things than prostitution to me and they had to get me another kind of income before that got too bad, but using certain means to achieve a goal if those means are supposed to be excluded has to be assessed consequences even if the consequences are also worked into the process.
But Roxy has other aspects of her personality than her primary relationship with me so far. The problem was that my nephew didn't feel that we could have one of those other relationships unless I had one of those other relationships with him first. Roxy was upset because "no one ever completes his process" but no one ever met her standard either. In fact she is the more exacting or strict one, and one reason a lot of people don't meet my nephews conditions is because he doesn't provide his own structure though he makes suggestions about where to get structural support if you need it, which nobody follows. But I did complete his process or are within a few days of doing so. And I've been working on meeting her standard overlapping with this.

Hey, I Think I Did Pretty Good On My Budget

2011-05-21T19:40:00.002-04:00

But the crap does need a trade up.
The sea slugs on the ceiling need to stay.

Tweaking Chili

2011-05-21T19:16:00.000-04:00

It needed more chili powder, but when I put in my usual amount it was mixed with garlic salt so it was like putting in only half the right amount. Thats easy to fix. And it could have used corn.

I Don't Like Kids

2011-05-21T17:49:00.000-04:00

I'm really not a good place to leave any.
However, under different circumstances they could make a good labor force, its just people tend to frown on that and a lot of other stuff now.

Swapping Connections

2011-05-21T15:58:00.000-04:00

Squiggly had a lot of reasons to be seriously angry with Mom, but when she decided to give up her connection to me and fortify my connection to Roxy it bought her a lot of credit. The thing about doing things over the hundreds of years that Squiggly had not wanted her to do was that some of that stuff started having its innate consequences around the time I was born. Mom knew she'd better do her best to cut me out of that. All people could take a lesson from this, because it is sometimes necessary to do things Squiggly told you not to do, but if you can recognize the opportunities you have to make sacrifices of rewards in order to correct the consequences that might effect him, you have a better chance of doing well in the end and he might even consider you qualified to do your own thing, though usually he will put you in a less responsible position and try to mitigate some of the sacrifices you decided to make.
While Roxy and I will have the same relationship no matter how many future lives we have, we are better off to try to hang on to this one as long as we can no matter how weird it gets.

Birthday Ponies That Bite

2011-05-21T15:50:00.000-04:00

Some people say Jello is made of pigs but it used to have the kosher symbol on it until the jews decided gelatin cant be kosher. I was told it was really made out of old horses, but that they didn't want to tell all the Christian little girls out there who love it as their favorite dessert that it was made out of the second favorite animals next to bunnies.
Anyway I'm making a recipe I saw on youtube where you make kanten out of coconut milk and then top it with fruit and jello, I picked strawberries.

Ok, Before Anyone Starts Dieing

2011-05-21T13:14:00.000-04:00

Love in the time of Big Brother can be a real mess, especially when I'm constantly wondering if I'm being spoofed. I just figure someone as manipulative as Roxy knows how to set things up, and any visible thing is for the cameras around here anyway.

Walking More Slowly

2011-05-21T13:12:00.000-04:00

Today I decided to slow down my walking speed and see if that made a difference in how I felt afterwards and how quickly I recovered. It did.
I guess there's no need to be in any kind of hurry and while four miles is still always the same calories it can be different amounts of time standing up and moving around which has a different kind of benefit scale.

No Worries

2011-05-21T13:05:00.001-04:00

As rapidly as the second phase illness is spreading through the population, you would wonder how we keep things working, but it does keep working.
Bigger brawnier women aren't too stressed out to use some kind of technology to give birth every month. I thought they were passing the embryos off every month but they were actually taking supplements to speed up the process. This means they don't have to find women to bear the babies to term, just someone looking to adopt without asking too many unanswerable questions, and thats a group of people that never seems to run out.
As long as the babies are going to be treated like babies things are going to be ok, but if people start screwing them while our branch of the family passes on a particularly mild form of HIV in that people have been known to live more than 35 years with it, its still hard to say any form is really mild.
I don't know what the percentage rate is for children raised normally and children who are abused but we see it that those who are abused were drafted into the war, everyone I knew growing up included in that. And as you know soldiers do things that civilians are not supposed to do as the definition of their responsibilities.
The more I think about it I think this is a very fair way to thin out the population. A lot of people can do a lot of things, but have the sense not to do them out of some kind of better thinking and those people need not worry about either illness.
*when children have been sexually abused, the only method we know of to help them overcome a lot of the weird stuff that puts in your mind is to extend their childhood a little and let them go out and explore their feelings and impulses for a time. They are still childlike in that people have to be a bit opportunistic to be threatened by them and plenty of people find it very easy to turn down their advances or not take advantage of the positions they choose to be in until they begin to remember the consequences that came before*

Helping Everyone Who Can Work Together

2011-05-21T10:12:00.001-04:00

Everyone on the planet except for one group allowed to let Isa work out his own issues but this other group actually celebrates his suffering and how he is going to go to hell because they are too selfish to grant him any portion of what they demand for themselves from anyone too weak to withhold it from them.
They've made up their own stories about what they want him to be and will have to seek that person out in the wider universe taking all that they strong armed from others away with them.
It is true there is a limit to what the good of the earth can defend and without the surplus the bad wont have anything to live on here.
For people who assume others to be fairly similar to themselves on some basic levels that don't change or turn into magic at some point we know all people want certain basic things but only a few want a lot more than that. We know that some value the basic things and know what they are and wouldn't trade them for the things that don't meet basic needs while at the same time being very costly and requiring that they deprive others of basic things even if that is all they want and they clearly state that. We also accept that once the basics are available to everyone, advanced needs and wants can also be met to varying degrees.
While reasonable people are aware that there are people of advanced capacities on the earth, we also know that they don't suspend the reality that we have observed in their actions but are able to use it in ways some of us cant even aspire to, though we can aspire to participate in some way as to receive benefit and reward for our work. This is not the same as believing in a magic man who will justify what they chose not to see regarding when the actions of a small group benefit them only when they deprive others of the opportunity to use their skills and their gifts or be rewarded for doing so.
*If Isa decided to back up what is being said about him it would constitute gross shirk however it would not cause a situation where those who believed that way would be pardoned for their own actions and so he would go to hell but so would they*

Only Not For Christians

2011-05-21T09:23:00.000-04:00

A lot of people in this country are completely corrupt but they cant function without the people who they keep at a high level yet don't bring into the knowledge of just how much stuff is going on in this country every day that most people know all about but keep from a shrinking set of lawmakers.
While it is well known that if you get medicare you wont be treated even if the government will pay for it unless you don't have what they treat you for. This is especially the case if you have an acute life threatening situation and if you are not a Christian because they not only have the tea party to deal with if they treat you for something medicare paid for but also feel you might as well go to hell sooner than later.
This also goes for schools and universities, especially if you receive grants or loans which are meant only for Christians as well. While if you are from another country they have to conceal some of this because you pay full fee and buy premium services only offered to foreign students, if you are from here but not Christian they will find every excuse they can to deny services in such a way that you continue to pay but fail to receive.
The police are only for Christians as well, which is why we are contemplating a change to designate this building income restricted and hiring only whoever we feel will actually provide services for maintenance because if you've ever been black you've found out you cant be a "real" Christian and black at the same time, regardless of what you do on Sunday's and even Wednesdays. In our understanding, while retarded adults can be just as racist as any other kind of person around here, they are less likely to be on meth, though only less likely as one last night had obviously been sampling the local fare.

Not Scoliosis

2011-05-21T09:01:00.000-04:00

A lot of people in this area have scoliosis so we are screened for it in school (before the age of 21). I was noted to be uneven but the screener looked closer and saw my whole left side was weaker and trying to "curl up". Of course he mentioned this to Bill and Becky but whatever caused it wasn't something they wanted any documentation about.

Cotton Wood Trees

2011-05-20T21:26:00.000-04:00

While it is fun to drift along with the cotton wood fluffs on a walk through the woods, swallowing one of those can lead to a hacking fit. When I lived in Valpo we had two ancient cottonwoods near our driveway and sometimes it looked like it had snowed.

Habitat From Hell

2011-05-20T15:53:00.000-04:00

While it is a nice idea to want to encourage people to get together to make small four wall homes for people who would otherwise have no way to get them, in reality and practice its nothing I would want for myself.
The problem is on several levels the most important one being that even the people who show up to work on the houses still feel like the people getting them are getting something for nothing, even if they have to pay for all the materials and while for most of them it means if something is too hard they might fudge on it a little, for a few, and enough at nearly every site it means some things are deliberately done wrong.
Then the people around the community, when the poor home winner starts to have problems with the roof leaking or the plumbing not working very well starts trying to get help with these problems people just say "its like nothing is ever enough for these people".
Thats one of the reasons Roxy told me not to have good credit because people might try to help me this way.

The Next Mom

2011-05-20T10:19:00.000-04:00

I wanted to say this in a public place in open speech for a lot of people present to hear, but of all the groups around here, the spiritualists tend to have the least patience for disability.
Roxy is to Mom what the rest of us are to those other people. In fact Squiggly didn't actually appoint Mom as head of anything its just that the other women thought that if she was the one among them Squiggly hung with for cannoodling she should be in charge of major decisions and that they should try to be more like her. As a result there were a lot of times when they would not consider other candidates when it came time to transfer teachings to a new point of transmission.
This had some serious consequences though including that those who needed those teachings no matter what their nature or what the reason had to become mobsters like Mom always was. Roxy isn't a mobster so that is no longer necessary. But it is unlikely that anyone who needs her directly will not be poor or disabled in today's world.

Osama Who?

2011-05-20T10:09:00.001-04:00

In case someone else ever finds themselves in this position, you might not want to ask a Dzogchen Master to explain to you who someone is, especially if you aren't the only one asking but someone else is also asking them to explain who this person is to you.
The better people can perceive the more important it is that their power of description keep up and especially their powers of differentiation and definition. Because there is a lot of difference between the ones who are to Jeff Fort what the other is to Bin Laden but if you cant comprehend that by now its because the actual similarities are also real.

Osama Bin Laden Road

2011-05-20T09:05:00.004-04:00

The US cannot afford the status quo to continue in the Israeli Palestinian conflict where it is too tangible that modern values mean that traditional people are anthrolops to be studied as bones and not tolerated alive in any context.
Delusional religious cults are dangerous no matter if they base their unreasonable demands on the Quran or the OT and they only become more so when appeased by ceding them land.
God's hands are not tied that he cant show us more clearly that he wants us to bypass and ignore human realities of existing power structures and populations if he wants a people to "return" to a place he is alleged to have "given" them.
The 67 borders are a compromise with reason and sanity, as there is no possibility that a foreign population can occupy a significant portion of real estate within an existing culture without causing strife no matter what their intentions are, and in a heavily traveled area one cannot hope for plagues to decimate the population to the point that what they want becomes a military non issue.
While both sides go berzerk and become unreasonable in the midst of this conflict only one has grounds.
And again it was not the Palestinians who ran the Jews out of Europe.
*The "67 borders" were a polite way for Obama to say "I'll pull a real solution to Israel I can say in public out of my ass right after I pull out that pesky monkey"*
**ok, what he really would have said is "I'll do that on Tuesday"**

The Buddha's Rabbit

2011-05-19T22:39:00.000-04:00

The Buddhists have a popular story about how a very long time before the Buddha was the Buddha, he was a rabbit and though the rabbit showed signs that it might be a buddha in the future it was still just a rabbit.
Today Isa was out roaming around like he has a tendency to do and I noticed him but also noticed how much he looked like a kid who had just gotten out of school for the afternoon. There's an initial impulse to be excited yet there's no reason to cultivate it especially when there is no benefit to doing so for either of us.
No matter how good at ruling the world a man can be, he can only rule for a limited time, even if that amount of time seems long to us. Squiggly bypasses this by ruling through proxies even though he has already ruled for 108 thousand years.
Allah makes different deals with women than he makes with men, so while he is making deals with the men to guide them to circumstances where they would rule the world for the full length of time allowed to them he is making deals with some women not to live in a world not ruled by their close relatives. That's why the yellow sapphire belongs to me, because when I run out of male relatives to take their turn at ruling the world for 108 thousand years either by their own understanding or as a proxy to someone else (Im not exactly sure if that counts as your own rule or not, I kinda think it might not but it might) then all the people with any white in them will die and Squiggly will get to rule the world again because there will be no other men on earth who would ever develop to lead because of mistakes that they made. He wont be as harsh or as good to all of them evenly and it will depend a lot on what they do to make up for whatever mistake they made between now and then which might be more than a million years from now. Some are making good progress while others have already been deemed failures.
Anyway, it wasn't as salient to a lot of people way back when that I am Lucifer's daughter. A lot of people include's Isa who is able to feel I am that now, but a bit more than he is feeling being Isa.
The thing about all this with Isa is that he became alienated very early in creation because he alone had been here alone and had no superior to make decisions for him. The children began to come very quickly and before he knew what was happening he became responsible for everyone on the earth. The other people of the earth refused to consider his situation until he began to feel completely disconnected from us especially based on ideas and feelings people who have been children retain into adulthood but he had no understanding of. It didn't help that people became toxic towards anyone who didn't see things the same way as they did or who was born in any kind of different way.
While Isa is the most dominant man on whatever planet he is on, a small handful of men made more of an effort to identify with him and try to see things his way. They felt that it would be good for him to have experiences that would lead him to see things their way too, but to keep him able to really experience these things certain kinds of stress cant happen to him.
All stress blocks are temporary and things will eventually break through to him, but we feel we can keep these things away for as long as possible and the longer we keep them away the more people he will be able to remember and forgive and place within his kingdom but we aren't ready to begin that one yet.
In the mean time the rest of us are doing labs to understand human family interaction and when we understand that as well as we can we can begin to repair all the things that we did to him in the past including my part telling him he was responsible in the first place (if we had kids together now in a way we could acknowledge I'd do it again too but no one else has my ability to see what he is salient of to push ideas like this into his reality which is another good reason to stay a block apart).
When we are finished with those labs and with working with Isa regarding whatever happens in his kingdom, then Squiggly will do a project working on the potential of men without a family. Isa is too dominant to be invited to work on that one though regardless of what he might want to do.

How My Legs Feel

2011-05-19T20:55:00.000-04:00

I keep walking four miles because when I get home its difficult to take my shoes off. Today I was able to cross my feet over my knees one at a time to take my shoes off without lifting them but I was still pretty stiff at the end.
However by a little before 3 pm I had no difficulty walking to the store to get lentils and stuff.
Some days I feel more weak on my left side than others, today seems to be one of those days. The amount and duration of pain in my left hip seems to be less every day though.
Walking is the best thing for brain stuff but it still generates a lot of pain which can be analyzed and it gives me a lot of things to push through and the thing about brain injuries that gives most people the most trouble is that anything you do successfully once has to be done many times over and the pain subsides slowly. I mean a lot of times over like multiples of hundreds.

Yeh, I Try To Stop Short Of Mush

2011-05-19T16:31:00.003-04:00

This beats the pants and junk off the last batch of dal I attempted though that time I didn't use the same curry powder or a recipe.
** sorry about that I guess but whenever I land a dish like that I feel I have to remind people once again that I'm not Gandhi though the last batch of curried lentils I made had all the same ingredients for the most part but sucked really bad and I've just returned from licking the cooking spoon**

Contemplations Of Falafel

2011-05-19T16:23:00.000-04:00

The last time I looked for a falafel recipe the only ones I could find were industrial strength and meant to feed armies but the vegweb.com site has quite a few recipes pared down to the one pound bag of garbanzo size.
There's no reason that eating beans at dinner has to be boring though I do weed for recipes that I can freeze and that don't cost very much. Adding a lot of stuff to a basic bean can make them expensive but it looks like a lot of bean eaters try to keep things cheap so its not too hard to find budget recipes.

Unbroken Dal

2011-05-19T15:48:00.004-04:00

two large onions
four cloves garlic
1/2 cut vegetable oil
one pound green lentils
1/2 teaspoon thai pepper paste
one tablespoon Saharamart Special hot curry powder
one teaspoon cumin
1/2 tsp pepper
one tablespoon iodized salt
four carrots skinned and cut small

From here on it follows the recipe on vegweb.com called Indian dal.
I added the carrots when I added the water.
I was looking at the nutrition on the lentil bag and it says that green lentils have ten grams of protein for half cup cooked, compare to seven grams in pintos, and 20 % of iron. Most serious bean eaters, eating as an entre rather than a side dish eat about a cup cooked.
Oh, I'm serving with wheat and brown rice cooked together and some yogurt.

Beans For A Year

2011-05-19T14:37:00.000-04:00

Really its not just a year, but eating beans for supper every night could be hard to do but its not a bad way to test someone's seriousness if they are asking for more attention. Thats just at supper though, pizza or whatever is ok at lunch though for me its starting to work pretty well for me to eat one of my power bars even though I plan to tweak the recipe on the next batch. Breakfast is still french toast most of the time though sometimes its eggs and non pork sausage and hashbrowns or whatever sounds interesting.
But this means there need to be more recipes. I was just looking at dal for example which might be dinner for tonight even.

Solutions To Meh

2011-05-19T08:41:00.000-04:00

Last night I drank a teaspoon of miso in a cup of hot water about an hour before bed. My meh started clearing up immediately and I woke up feeling a lot better this morning.
While miso soup is nice, when you have meh it can seem like a lot of work, while just making a tea of it is a lot less work and more likely to happen.

Everyone Wants Jesus Here Yesterday

2011-05-19T08:28:00.000-04:00

But most of them haven't even met him.
We think at this point that 108 thousand years seems to be the limit to the time one man can rule the planet and the method seems to require sending the pit release people to another planet. This has limitations also because these are the kind of people who destroy planets.
There wasn't supposed to be a large population here, and the surface is supposed to be for the innocent victims of other people's destructive behavior while the destructive people themselves are for the pit but they have to be let out periodically. There aren't many life supporting planets left but there are a few and because we have been releasing the destructive people onto the surface of this planet in a controlled way some of the planets almost destroyed have almost healed.
So Squiggly will keep control over this planet for 108 thousand years more, finding ways to keep Isa less stressed during the release periods until we have to find another planet to send people to, or something like that, then it wont be possible to prevent him from getting stressed out enough to take over and do things his own way.
While Squiggly is ruling he is restoring the failed men to manhood so that they can sort themselves out a little but most will eventually be reborn a final time from yeti fathers and thus have no whiteness in them at the end of the second 108 year period from now, or longer depending on how much stress Isa needs. Then he's going to do manly things with men or something like that I don't really know because I wont be here.

Foxes Like Locust Blossoms

2011-05-18T22:02:00.001-04:00

Thats why you can see the fox in the spring sometimes but not every year.
People like locust blossoms too and sometimes batter and deep fry them.
I actually saw the fox's poo a few days before I saw the fox. I thought someone had walked a little dog and not picked up after it. But I cant remember if it was in the same spot I saw the fox or somewhere further away indicating another fox.

Odd Play

2011-05-18T22:01:00.000-04:00

That time Roxy and I roamed around together as children we went to a private enough spot and I thought we were going to play in a predictable way but Roxy didn't quite play like other kids I'd been alone with and then wouldn't show me hers.
I told Gramps about it afterwards and he said its kinda odd at first but you get used to it.
I don't know how many times we got to be together but I came to understand somehow that certain groups around here were nicer to her and whenever I encountered people of those groups in other places they reminded me of her.
One thing we don't like about religions is how they divide people, but they also serve purposes because people assume what they don't quite get about me is how I seem similar except not being part of their religion when there are actually other differences that they might short circuit on if they didn't assume were due to easy things to define.

Providing Stimulation

2011-05-18T21:56:00.000-04:00

Being able to hear a lot of bull shit I have a lot of things to think about even if they aren't really planned. This means it isn't necessary to plan to keep me stimulated in a structured way but rather to provide support as symptoms or questions arise.
Ordinarily or not this wouldn't have been possible to do if certain information transfers had fallen on receptive ears as there are consequences to claiming little people born in a foreign land as citizens of a scattered nation in preference for similarly small individuals actually born in the nation pre scattering.
But because we are where we are it was possible to provide guidance in a traditional and well established way even if the method was distressing to the person involved's sensibilities.
My nephew (Gramps can count his sons of all his lives on one hand with a lot of fingers left over and while his son did not keep track of the number of his own sons, who were probably all cut off but you never know, Gramps says that he is very infrequently in a situation where he can have a son ethically so he does not have them, however it is entirely unknown who the fathers of my sister and her son were though we know that the father of her son was not my uncle because he died without being cut) didn't want me to tell Roxy that this was a situation where she needed stimulation beyond what Islam could provide but to instead bring her up to speed on understanding the relationship of Bon to Islam and the relationship of all religions to things like Bon, Soufism or Toltec Ways so that she wouldn't really think or be reinforced in thinking that we would really do something like she thought we did.
It was pointed out to me today (they actually have people that big over 100 years old and know how to take care of them using practices I'm not allowed to describe at all in fear of smaller people being sent to kick me) that while I was finding things to do with my spare time even if it was reading mind rotting books or turning a few small pieces of string into one larger piece of string, Roxy learned to sit staring at nothing at all for hours at a time. Thats not really good but it takes a lot of work to teach someone how to fill their spare moments with things of their own interest and to justify this work the person benefiting from it needs to provide some service.
Its a good adaptation to have in the limbo of being an actual orphan in the current system to be able to do nothing at all as moving or speaking in any manner at all can have unforeseen unpredictable dire consequences that can last a lifetime. But as an adult and part of a family and a community, even monks aren't encouraged to fill time this way.

A Lot Of People Looked At Things They Shouldn't Have

2011-05-18T14:50:00.000-04:00

And we have always planned to forgive all but the promiscuous.
I don't know if it was exactly clear though what the order of release would be.
We've always had a barrier of aids infected people around our sanctuaries so that those who entered who had played around would not live long unless they turned around and went away without approaching us. This is unless they were from our bloodlines in which case they were expected to play around a little so that there would be an additional stress on those who weren't serious.
Aids got around because of the child traffic not because of adult on adult behavior.

In the past Indian Chiefs didn't need to think about as many things as people need to think about today and problems could be solved a lot more directly. The illness that kills people with aids also cures or mitigates brain injuries. It wasn't necessary that Chiefs be stupid or brain damaged, but they had to have experience of seeing the world different ways or to have experienced several different points of view. The Indians didn't have a way to restore their minds but with people showing up from all over the world different traditions began to interact and recombine. There are a lot more details to this process but I wont get into it now.

There have to be penalties for some kinds of behavior and we believe in qualifications. We believe that people who molest children are not qualified to access higher teachings or dont need to be smarter so that they can sneak into more secure family homes and have access to children with greater potential. We also think that people who don't think about the consequences of their actions on people under their care are not qualified for this kind of information. While the actions we feel are wrong will have their own consequences, if they are combined with seeking information from us or interacting with us as adults then the consequences will be death and it is not necessary for us to take any action to enforce this.

Attempted containment is a wasted effort and as the pit begins to refill there will be other illnesses and disasters that emerge until the surface population is much lower.

Plain Water On The Trail

2011-05-18T13:51:00.000-04:00

I think its better to drink either plain water or unsweetened tea while walking, at least for me. I think it does weird things to my metabolism to drink sweetened drinks while working out.
Roxy also said that no matter how sick I was recently I was worse. Sometimes the counter for the effects of one illness are another but some are protected or people try to limit them.
Gramps would have intervened if those limits were put in place by Squiggly but still there are groups not as high as him who still try to do things. The containment was the justification for isolation, however some are saying containment still isn't impossible its just that there is a new location for it.

Revoked Custody

2011-05-18T13:02:00.000-04:00

When my nephew determined that Becky was sending me out to meet with the people she was afraid of and encouraging me to do things she thought were dangerous he revoked her custody of me and severed our connection immediately though habits took a while to resolve.
He said it was obvious that she was aware of all the things that could happen to me even though I was not.

Warming Up

2011-05-18T11:10:00.000-04:00

I've found its easier to walk if I warm up by cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry first. This is especially true on days I wake up feeling kinda meh.

Yesterday I discovered it was a lot easier or actually possible to do toe touches so I've started doing ten or so of those a few times a day. I feel like I'm getting stronger from the toes up and that its almost to my shoulders now.

I still though feel a lot of resistance to the whole idea of moving at all, meaning I still have a ways to go before the brain related part of this lets go of me, but at least at this point my muscle is building so when the impulse to move does make it through the movement is correct and strong a lot more often.

A Stupid Thing About Abusing Children

2011-05-18T08:54:00.001-04:00

You don't know how big they will be when they grow up.

Different Privileges For Different Groups

2011-05-17T22:30:00.000-04:00

Roxy mentioned to me a little while ago that she would like to be able to go after all people of a certain group. I don't like this group very much but after what she has been through she likes them even less. I had to say that the group is too large to go after that way and you have to focus on people who choose to stand out to us.
I decided many years ago that so many of the people around here were nothing but medical cadavers. It was clear in every interaction I had with them and so much of the time when I wanted to sit privately and quietly and collect my thoughts and whenever I realized just how deep into my privacy they were sticking their noses.
People don't normally put a bunch of medical cadavers in a wood chipper but instead use them to practice procedures until they are good enough at them to work on living patients. They use them to study anatomy and in some cases to test drugs. When I first heard of what we wanted to do I was worried about it but then I learned I had been treated that way by many of these people. Then I thought well if the others knew they would do something but I learned what Roxy already knew about that, we aren't in the group they care about so whatever is in their minds or whatever they don't want to see is going to happen to us.
Different people have different things in their minds depending on what they have been through and what they believe to be possible.

Blister Report Again

2011-05-17T20:59:00.000-04:00

I've stopped getting any. Now I'm just dealing with all the muscles that haven't been used in a while being used, but its obvious that I've all together skellitally improved. Walking is supposed to work specific areas of the body and when I had good fitting shoes before it did, but for a while I didn't have the experience of having those muscles develop.
I noticed some people when I was walking that had big bunched up calf muscles like I was getting and I started thinking that they could probably stand to try the kind of shoes I was in. I had been getting calf muscles but not thigh or stomach muscles and my knees felt weak, now I'm getting all my muscles and my knees are getting a lot stronger.
Even though for now the shoes are shortening my range and causing me to feel parts of my legs that I'd rather not feel, the improvement they are making in how everything moves is worth it completely and it has only been one week and as I predicted it would take a week for them to seem about normal. Completely normal will probably take a month.

Beginning Relationships In Childhood

2011-05-17T20:48:00.001-04:00

I don't have a very strong memory of this, and not as strong a memory as Roxy does, but some time in the 70's I was in a group home along with Roxy. I remember that I couldn't understand where I was and I thought I was at school. Because day started with waking up at home and ended with leaving school and going back home I thought it was a really long day and I didn't understand why we needed to go to sleep though eventually I think I came to understand it a little bit. I remember when we went back to the house on John Fort Road that we could go to the bathroom at night without asking but the first time Heather did this I thought she was going to get in trouble.
I didn't think about this as much but I remember someone explaining to me that I would get to go home the next day and telling Roxy that I thought it meant all the kids could go home but she understood that it didn't mean her or the others, it was just for some people some times.
A few years later I went with Gramps who dropped me off with Roxy and we walked around. I think there was a hippotherapy thing going on and I had Gramps' permission to participate but they wouldn't let me without a parent or legal guardian and Gramps wasn't actually there, so Roxy and I walked around and though I cried about not being able to ride the horses Roxy told me she was glad it didn't work out because she could spend time with me directly. As I was walking around the other day I saw places we had been, I don't know on how many occasions and that even then she was aware of individuals around the neighborhood who never had a treat but always were watching with a bad opinion. Gramps was aware of specific individuals as well because he had coached me on certain requests so that I would be seen by some of them even though Roxy would have rather avoided that.
Later Gramps told me that he had seen a lot of relationships that started out like ours and he said I would start to change but Roxy would just sort of become more Roxy. He said my change was temporary and would eventually go away and that it could cause a lot of problems for us because we liked each other as we were. He said though some people fight a lot during that phase but then make peace with each other later, most held too many grudges and couldn't overcome them even when they returned to being the people who used to love each other.
I think he said the same thing to Roxy too.
*right now my hormones don't know what they are doing. I felt tired today so I took a day off the longer walk and only walked a mile plus a short trip for milk and snacks. I felt just as creepy after that as I did after my walk yesterday and I think my tired yesterday was hormones too and that it didn't seem to make a big difference whether I walked or not in terms of how I felt all afternoon, but it makes a difference in my fitness if I do walk except sometimes I have to slow down because if I push through this kind of thing I can get tachycardic but not so bad since I started taking iron. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or what I will do, but unless I feel a lot worse I will probably try to walk longer*

People Don't Leave The Toltecs

2011-05-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

My nephew tried to tell this to the Tibetans when he returned but they refused to listen and he was unable to say to them that if they let him keep a continuous memory he would be able to warn them about things but if they did what they usually do then he would give them no warning at all and there might be additional things he would do that they wouldn't like.
He got this idea to try a different method he had read in the book about mummification concerning becoming a statue. Somewhere in there to the extent he was able to be made to forget but not really he knew that archologists would eventually move statues like he wanted to be to places like museums in places he had many descendants and he obtained some semen from Squiggly to hold in such a way in such an environment that if it will fit in someone's ass then it will be in someone's ass some day and he knew a place like Indiana was one of those places that could happen.
Squiggly knew my nephew was half in and out of reality when he made the request and had his own plans. So he contributed and my nephew became a statue and within a year or two Mom showed up to complete the awakening ritual though like usual she was convinced Squiggly was the statue and was still not ready to accept he was actually a black man ruling the pit.
I don't think my nephew knew I was this person when I went to see him or when he took Roxy though he has always found a way to prevent her from being parted out completely and I think he has realized in the part of him that isn't time traveling at this point that Gramps had this planned pretty early on, having had a lot of time to observe him and plan for what would probably happen anyway even though he had advised strongly against it.

Upgrading Roxy

2011-05-17T15:47:00.000-04:00

We had a lot of very normal plans of the type that many people around here have successfully accomplished early in our relationship. We even thought once we would start living together when we were 18 and just hang around like so many people in similar situations actually do, but just because society didn't seem to have a purpose for us didn't mean our own family didn't know what we could do and didn't want us to maximize our potentials.
When it comes to people who make up lies about muslim women just because they were once muslim children they thought they could molest without consequences or penalties or when they continue to harass us using every position available to them to use, muslim men or like that tend to engage in a lot of activities that would almost justify the constant surveilance and sending men out saying there's a prostitute dressed like a muslim or a potted plant out there when its clearly a lie about the muslim though I cant speak for the potted plant.
But because of the education Roxy has been receiving from my nephew who told me he is teaching her all of his moves, its possible to take conclusive action on every breach of decorum in such a way as not to increase sympathies against us. And we don't have to forgive the "accidents" or even the "little things" weaker groups have to let pass.

Other Words That Go Out Of Focus

2011-05-17T14:48:00.000-04:00

Apparently prostitutes are married women, and pedophilia is a good quality in upstanding members of the community. Sort of like how patriotism and loyalty turned into treason in the country of Silla.
But for those people who think parks were put there for them to troll and intended as places of prostitution I cant imagine there are many words in any language that are going to make sense to them and they might as well keep identifying themselves by the way they communicate by grunting.

Mineral Rights And "Free Money"

2011-05-17T13:58:00.000-04:00

I suspected a while ago that a lot of people down around where I-69 would go through sold their mineral rights and are trying to block the road so that no one can get at what they bought in an economical way.
This was long before "Justified" did a story line along the same lines.

Kalpas are strictly 27 thousand years long

2011-05-17T10:32:00.001-04:00

But words drift out of focus after a while.
While Sitting Bull will emerge as one who has crossed a common line but in a different attitude in ten thousand years, he wont become the dajjal spoken of until Squiggly opens the pit again, in 27 thousand years.
This gives Isa plenty of time to grow up without stress, but it also gives him time to take many things for granted that wont return until he takes action to restore them. We wont provide him a shelter from the open pit like we did this time in any subsequent Kalpas that we will be here for and so it is likely that he will only rule for one, unless he can come up with a way to deflect those released to some other place, but even if he does, they will still return at some point.
*this last time something went wrong with the filling and closing of the pit that indicates to us if it can be done wrong it can also be done better*

Its Because Shit Happens

2011-05-17T10:28:00.000-04:00

My nephew isn't very happy with the place where he was born or the position he was born into. He has pestered us a lot to tell him why this happened to him. The answer is Allah throws loops at people. Its not because of anything you did or didn't do but because Allah saw something in your nature and knows what is best for you. Its possible that you could have done practices to prevent yourself from taking things the way you did, however I don't think things turned out badly and also Allah will sometimes break our legs to prevent us from falling off a cliff.
Sometimes we also don't aspire high enough, or want to be humble when it means taking a place from someone else and not filling our own place.
Regardless of why or how, you in your agitation crossed a threshold beyond which no one generates causes of rebirth, and you had done so before you came here the first time.
So since this is who you will be from now on (a lot longer now on than I've been saying but I'll get to that next) a lot of us women have taken it upon yourselves to insure my Auntie Mu doesn't wad you up and throw you under the bed at some early point in the relationship by showing you we can do a lot of stuff you didn't think of on our own that benefits you.

Interacting On A Higher Level And Testing Qualifications

2011-05-17T10:17:00.000-04:00

Our method allows for death in the process.
I'm in the process of recovering from complications from prolonged selenium deficiency caused by a relatively mild pathogen I picked up deliberately in the course of my educational seeking. It wasn't innately necessary that I take this particular segment of the path but because one of the higher level participants in my education process didn't have the energy to roam easily among the people who came to be near but not close to him the means were outside his reach to encourage those people more strongly to help me establish a prophylactic distance or barrier that would allow meaningful interaction without the transmission of pathogens.
Because the course of such an illness is predictable it is permissible when possible to swap out things that will only get destroyed with the person you are receiving the transmission from as they enter a period where they can better maintain and use those things, but there is no guarantee that when you learn to manage the illness better that any of those things will be restored to you from any source. To insure that you have to have good negotiation skills and be qualified to seek higher instruction in the first place so that you can meet the goals necessary to receive things you have to earn back.
Just as it was not possible to set up sufficient barriers that still allowed instruction in this situation, it was also not possible to set up similar types of barriers here, yet people were seeking me for very different things. Therefore it is impossible to state that any location or interaction in this community is safe from the transmission of the pathogen. And unlike where I was when I received the transmission, the environmental selenium is very low here and this town has never been the home of sanatoriums though TB has played hell on this community a few times, and may be the source of a number of elevated auto immune disease occurrence situations that are especially hard on women nearing the change. This situation was present here before I brought my own contribution however, none of the strains present before I got here had a three day kill rate on advanced aids patients.
Having failed to negotiate adequately or skillfully, it is likely that salvage operations will be ongoing, but as many people are claiming similar or better qualifications than what I hold and show proof of constantly, they will be held to the standard I set in order to negotiate for replacements at such time as they understand what they need to do to maintain themselves.

A Thing About Smart And Stupid Humans

2011-05-16T22:21:00.000-04:00

The horses don't like it when we tell people they call us this, but they don't have big vocabularies and they acknowledge that they are getting a lot of things from the stupid humans its just they don't really know why. When the smart humans wander past we are often thinking about how to use horses for things, while a lot of smart humans have and support them but dont use them for very much. The horses feel kind of like they are in limbo, they aren't really free to do free horse things but they aren't really doing a lot of trained horse things very often either. The horses who do work more still notice a difference but they are too busy to chat about it and some even have a preference for the stupid humans though its often due to familiarity verses the unfamiliar and they often get over it given a chance.
While they know they sometimes get a little squirrelly around us and they have to behave in the ritualized ways the stupid humans expect them to to have their needs met in their current circumstances and even that bad things can happen, they still like to talk to us just because we can talk and our energy usually doesn't make them focus on us, meaning they are talking to us while talking to other horses and the other horses are talking on various levels with us also.
As with all creatures if you know how to say I see you seeing me you can start a conversation and if you cant say that they think you are stupid.

Its Not All Bugs And Horses Out There

2011-05-16T21:00:00.001-04:00

I'm a different person. The kinds of things people like me normally do usually occur for me only in my thoughts and that is enough for me most of the time. Its not enough for Roxy though, and a lot of my thoughts are about things she is actually doing.
While my nephew feels he needs to protect his contract rights, he is a bit more conservative than really is necessary because Roxy doesn't play with me the same way she plays with others and when she is with me she doesn't really get all the way home, which for her is in a pretty rough neighborhood, and one she doesn't want to take me too.
But sometimes we can figure out ways to interact a little in the places we meet so that they touch places she needs to go and somehow involve people she wants to do those things with. Some people even want to be those people, though most find it a bit surprising.
*the majority of temporary marriages and all of them participated in by people we deal with are non sexual in nature they just allow a man and woman to cooperate together and be alone together without danger. If something did happen it wouldn't be a sin, just really inconvenient. This doesn't mean that the two dont assist one another with daily needs involving contact just not that particular kind of contact. So if Roxy is wound up there are limited options for winding her back down short of sending her out to play with other girls in the neighborhood and there is not always time for this in a busy work day*

Roxy Sees Me More Often Than I See Her

2011-05-16T20:54:00.000-04:00

One odd thing about not being distracted by noise is that you can focus more completely on being silent. A person has to be relatively quiet to get up close to a wild fox, but I think I'm actually more still than quiet, and that my noise exists but doesn't threaten. Roxy doesn't make noise though. According to the many animals that can smell our similarity and thus expect that I can probably also do many of the same things, it seems odd to see someone like me on the trail, but not odd to see someone like me in the area.
I'm a little paranoid of snakes and odds and ends in the brush and theres no real point to sinking into it if I cant do it noiselessly. Of course every time I've been bitten by a snake except once I thought I had scraped a sharp stick and barely got an abrasion but you never know what the kids are releasing, and I would be in bad shape if I had to nurse another mamba bite since no one else can go to the store for me while my foot does a basketball impression.
The horses were mentioning the same thing I have noticed about the bugs, they aren't saying anything. They say they have nothing to say. Its the bugs that tell the plants if they should focus on one activity more than another and the plants are also acting like they are just doing whatever and not being directed. This is a message about the weather in the fact that it is no message, but it is saying things can become too erratic for anyone to predict but that is also a prediction and it means bad things for the stupid humans which is why things are being a little more friendly than usual to the smart ones. In fact if the bugs weren't keeping mum or rather only saying they have nothing to say the fox would have behaved more normally saying she wasn't sure about me just as a matter of principal instead of moving at the last minute so I didn't think I should try to pet her.

Issues In Temporary Marriage Contracts

2011-05-16T16:02:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons Squiggly was a little reluctant to decide to issue a permanent contract between me and Isa was that no one had ever answered the question conclusively about what temporary marriages were. A lot of people said that they were actually a type of slave contract that allowed women without resources or sufficient family to make lives for themselves in new places, for men to assist women without making it a permanent relationship or causing her to become a divorced woman or a full blown slave and other kinds of things that were good for the woman and the man involved. It was possible to say this because the kind of women who were making these contracts were most often orphans but because Squiggly's kids sometimes appear to be orphans he withheld deciding on the issue for himself without a sign from Allah which he finally decided that Isa's offer was and took it as an indication such a marriage would be inappropriate for me as a free, legitimately born woman with a living father even if people around didn't always see it that way.
As for the issue of tall and short woman marriages, Allah has never done anything in anyway to say that our practice of seeing our relationships that way is wrong even when we have actual man husbands.

My nephew wont exactly say the precise date of the end of his contract with Roxy only that he knows it and he told me that he knew the day that we would move in together but he wouldn't tell me because I have a tendency to hold my breath. There are so many threats right now and all the time that its important Roxy has resources to protect her from things and the resources available through my nephew don't make her as safe around me as the resources available through Squiggly even though a Yum contract isn't actually a marriage contract at all.

Stealing From Disabled Orphans

2011-05-16T13:39:00.001-04:00

The buzz is that at that time some corporate interest was looking at the fund set aside for providing special services for deaf children and was trying to convince congress it wasn't needed by pressuring towns not to request the money so that they could get it earmarked for themselves to increase their own profits.

This whole situation on both our parts is like we were abducted from a caring responsible party at an age too early to have had a strong enough impact and made depended on care givers who were little more than slavers who made it obvious to us on too many occasions that the only thing stopping them from killing us or selling us to molesters permanently was some vague fear of a higher earthly power that at times they suspected might be altogether unfounded.
It is of course impossible to convince the mind to focus unwaveringly on topics like science in such an environment, and being told repeatedly there is no market for people like us with or without skills our brain activity tended to focus on staying alive at a minimum, with no incentive to cultivate a reward acceptance or expectation system required for being able to work.

Four Miles Might Be Enough For Now

2011-05-16T13:01:00.001-04:00

Theres a stretch near the start of the Bloomington Rail Trail that seems well a little frequented by men.
What is pretty disgusting though is when you have an allergy at some point of a nature trail to get through it only to find people acting like they know what caused it (not plant related).
There must be a veritable freak show of prostitutes in this town, but again it is very very small, incredibly tiny, so that one could imagine anything at all to be a prostitute, including the men hanging around, in fact some parks are known for that kind of thing.

A Very Small Town

2011-05-16T12:43:00.000-04:00

This morning I started to remember some more things about childhood and conversations I overheard and Roxy also wanted me to post this so she's been beaming me details.
It was known early on that she had normal to high intelligence but that she needed an interpreter in order to keep up with class work, but only because her teacher that year refused to comply with a request to only speak when facing the class. It was determined much later that she had actually passed that year but for a tendency toward grading errors on the part of the same teacher even though Roxy missed portions of explanations.
Anyway, some people found out that there was a federal program to provide interpreters to deaf students of normal intelligence and even for learning disabled deaf students and all that the community had to do was request one and it would not cost them one penny plus the interpreter would spend her salary in local businesses and pay rent and taxes.
Though many people brought it to their attention they refused to request the interpreter and eventually put Roxy into the special education classes where they didn't do anything of an educational nature.

I remember that Gramps tried to get her the interpreter and how angry he got when he found out that only the city could request it for her and that no one had any avenue to make a petition that she have one if they did not.

Foster care being what it is and this community not limiting itself to depriving people of things that would not have cost them anything but maybe a paper cut or one of those calluses people used to get on their writing fingers people started trying to kill Roxy in group living environments. I mean other kids would play pranks on her because she couldn't hear them and she got injured a few times sometimes seriously. Eventually a group took up her defense and she was emancipated so that she could live in a small apartment by herself. And at 16 she dropped out of school because they were only teaching her she was retarded anyway.

Roxy could have been an engineer or scientist or a whole lot of other things she would have had to leave Bloomington and go to Lafayette to learn to do. She could have earned a salary so large that my check would have seemed pretty ridiculous and we could have easily refused it. But some small town people decided to make a small town decision not to give her one thing that wouldn't have cost them anything but five minutes of their time so long ago, that would have put at least one person into the highly skilled workforce and taken two people off the public dole.

It makes a lot of people wonder what has been going on here for so long that has the people here so afraid of the federal government that they routinely turn down free money (money returned to us from taxes, often some years amounting to more than the people here paid in) in order to avoid any kind of federal involvement at all. But there are some kinds of federal agencies and programs that don't depend on the consent of communities to do what they feel needs to be done here.

Opening A Can Of Worms

2011-05-16T08:52:00.000-04:00

A lot of people fall into a trap where they think they can make a controlled foray into the world of attacking people with high legitimacy. They think they can question one birth certificate, or refuse to respect one set of credentials without any unwanted fall out, usually simultaneous with doing worse things than they are accusing anyone else of.
It can be very difficult to put a genie of this kind back into a bottle once it is out.

Maybe I Will Cut Back To Four Miles Today

2011-05-16T08:32:00.001-04:00

The new shoes really do work a different set of muscles and though I feel a lot better this morning than I did last night, I'm not as recovered from this walk as I was the next day from the ten mile walk except that I don't have any new blisters.
I still want to build up to eight miles a day and then gradually get to where I can walk to the end of the clear creek every day. Its really not like I have a lot of other things to do but I also don't want to feel like I might want to die a little bit after each walk.
I'm still tightening up everywhere and its important to try to get rid of as much of the cortisol fat that I can, especially since I have time to do this, though other people might not. But as Gramps pointed out it might be difficult to maintain this level of activity especially since it requires more food, but if I can find ways to do that efficiently like sweet tea to refuel instead of Snickers bars I think I might be able to pull this off.
*my real weight loss goal is to get to where my pinky ring is actually a ring finger ring again and my ring finger ring fits on my index finger. I'm close on the last one because it now fits on my left index finger but it needs to fit on my right one*

Cutting The Disability Rate By Two Thirds

2011-05-15T21:20:00.000-04:00

There will always be people in every society that it is difficult to find a productive use for. These people are not the same in every society but all societies have to make choices about things that can leave some percentage of people out of the process even if its not the same choices.
But there are a lot of thoughts in my head about not being good at things I shouldn't have had to worry about at all just because I was raised short. I can cook, even make my own recipes. I can keep a house and manage accounts. I know how to manage the health and mood of multiple people in various relationships to me and a bunch of things that women who are working are falling short in in many cases. In fact it seems a little strange that our society cant grasp two concepts, that nobody is good at everything and if they choose to be better at one thing they will be worse at another, and no matter how hard some people try they some will never be good at some specific things.
I once made one of my teachers cry because I started talking about how I didn't have the option to just stay home but thats what I felt I was good at, and said that though it seems to be good for a lot of women to find things to do outside of the home I knew it wasn't going to be good for me but all I could do was my best at it, and I did until it got too absurd.
There are a lot of women who wouldn't even have to be assessed in many areas if they had the option to stay home, even if they were only sorta ok at that, and there are lot of taller people who would be able to function better if they had someone whose job it was to consider their special needs in light of their family origin and their position within that family. But there will still be some people who wont have that or wont be able to do much even with that, just not as many people as we wont work with today.

Gojis Are Adaptogens

2011-05-15T18:49:00.000-04:00

Which means they help the body make the changes it needs to undergo in order to deal with whatever stresses are in the environment around them. So if a person eats a lot of them when all they do is sit around and be happy the body cant make a clear statement of what the stress agent is or what is suffering in the organism so it decides that it must be thinking too much. But if there are muscle strains or real emotional strains then it helps to lessen these and to toughen the things that are made to deal with them.

Noses And The Places We Find Them

2011-05-15T18:31:00.000-04:00

I keep having this ongoing problem with people from a certain other country, girls especially, who think they know all about me already and that they need to take actions. The part of me that held my fire on that died with the white girl.
There are a lot of things that are just private, and even if some portion of them becomes public it isn't the best kind of people who discuss them. In addition the kind of people who believe everything that people say about someone but nothing of what that person says about themselves are not the best kind of people either. They might often be the most common kind of people, but I have never had common friends.
Roxy and I basically eloped quite a while ago and that is permitted in our culture. It doesn't move the cohabitation date decided by our family, but it does mean we don't have to throw a wedding which in our case was regarded by our family as a very good choice. We both deserved a wedding so they couldn't say they wouldn't give us one or that we shouldn't want one, but we thought about it more carefully that it might be said by people who don't know us and had decided before we sealed our decision.
Being a Muslim of any kind in the US is different from being a Muslim of any kind anywhere else, and so it is everywhere you could be a Muslim. There are the basic principals but beyond that there is the potential for a lot of variation within the rules. We adapt those variations to the circumstances we live with all our lives and not just during our college years. Its impossible for anyone from outside to know better than us what we need to do or should be doing and we are offended when people tell others that we should listen to them.
When I see someone, a girl usually but sometimes men do this too, who thinks that someone is a kafir because they didn't know islam was real from the explanation they gave them, I think they are the worst kind of fool and so full of themselves there is no point to interact with them at all unless they are spreading lies and mistakes that others start to take as cause for action against third parties, especially if I am a member of that party.
But being from here, I can say I know better about what works here, and when they tell me what I have to do, I know who they are listening to, and if they wont talk to me or listen to me about how those people act towards home grown american muslims yet they are saying that they have authority here (I mean foreign muslims are telling local muslims to do what the kkk says or the catholics say) I start to wonder what is left of islam outside of the US, but I know all people in all countries wonder this sometimes.

Holly Died

2011-05-15T18:19:00.000-04:00

It took more than a week for the people at the english teaching school I was working at to realize I had quit and they wrote me an email to ask why (It was kind of a default decision as at that point I was getting one half hour booking a week) and I wanted to write back "Holly died" or "Holly doesn't live here anymore".
For five dollars a lesson from a person with a masters degree they really had a lot of demands that had nothing to do with the content of the classes or the achievement of the stated goals and I had become salient of the fact long before things got that bad that my job depended on "continuing to act white" yet the longer I worked at so low a wage, and honestly the more I was being treated like a nigger, and the more I knew that would be the only reward I would get for being someone other than myself all the time the less I had in me anything that could actually do that.
So what I did tell them was that my brain exploded. And I didn't elaborate but what I meant was the part of me that believed I would get any further good out of this was gone and it wasn't coming back, I didn't even bother to say what it would take to bring it back because they wouldn't do it anyway.
I'm still not fully my own self all the time, but I am getting closer to it. And sometimes the reasons to compromise a little are real or the benefits actually exist and in other places habits take a while to die, but with a changing reinforcement ratio I should continue to approach a more stable myself kind of me over time.

Blister Report

2011-05-15T17:11:00.000-04:00

The blister on my right big toe is now more callus than blister but it still gets warm when I walk so I put medical tape over it, which does work better than band aids but band aids work well enough if thats what you have. I took the roll of tape with me in case of problems but I didn't have any of that nature.
I've been eating a lot more goji berries since I started walking and I think that contributes to my foot health as blisters are healing pretty fast and I don't have a lot of yellow flaky calluses all over any more. I also notice that eating a few of them helps with my leg cramps and stiffness though as part of a treatment and not the whole thing.

I Wasn't Sure Where You Were

2011-05-15T15:46:00.001-04:00

But the first time I went to Colorado I got caught on the side of a mountain alone. A ranger or someone had gotten a bad vibe from our group and was worried with good reason that I meet with foul play and had stationed himself about 5 miles away at a vantage point that allowed him to observe our movements with the assistance of a telescope or something like that.
I could hear him telling me that though I couldn't see it from where I was, I only had to fall a short way to land on a ledge that had a clear path back to camp.
*he also knew I was a tibetish out there to get my mountain fix on*

Changes Over The Past 17 Years

2011-05-15T15:36:00.000-04:00

There have been a lot of them. For one thing I quit doing drugs 13 years ago (its dangerous not to have a clique at all just as its dangerous for other reasons to talk about arranged marriages). I became a pretty good housekeeper about the same time I moved into this apartment which has all the required basic rooms. I did my best with Bruce's place but there are limits presented by each kind of dwelling and the other people in it.
I've gotten both more accepting of ambiguities of the lives of tall women and better at balancing the discrepancies between what people want me to do and what they can tell me to do out loud.
And I have an income independent of pretending to be someone else all the time to be employable minimally sometimes. This has most likely been the biggest change since I have no incentive to continue a lot of behaviors that never benefited me.

8 Miles

2011-05-15T15:29:00.000-04:00

Today I walked to the start of the Clear Creek Trail and back. It took me just under three hours. The first hour I was walking at least three miles an hour but I slowed down a little after that. When I got to the round about I ate one of my power bars and drank most of my tea. Today I brought chai which is a sweet tea though I didn't add milk to it. The sugar in it frothed up as I walked and I heard the people watching my every move discussing what it might possibly be and I wondered if someone would make me pour it out or how I would explain what it was.
I'm not sure if sweet tea is a good idea or not, it had one tablespoon of sugar per cup and I had two cups with me. The power bar also had some sugar in it. The green tea I sometimes bring has more caffeine but no sugar.
While I walked six miles yesterday and stretched a little before I left today my left hip aches a lot probably from using different muscles due to the new shoes but over all I still feel more normal after this walk than I did walking in my other shoes.
On the way back I saw where a deer had passed while I was gone and not very far before I came out of the woods I saw a grey fox in a tree.
I think I'm going to stick to 8 mile walks for the rest of the month and maybe next month too, until it gets easy for me until I can add another two miles until I can eat lunch out where I heard the tree frogs which is pretty close to the end of the Clear Creek Trail.

Somebody Has To Be Punished Anyway

2011-05-15T10:16:00.000-04:00

Even though it is a fundamental part of our method to use people who want to behave badly in order to navigate certain kinds of decisions we don't want people to see all the time as deliberate, bad behavior still has to have consequences.

Roxy Was Our Guide

2011-05-14T17:52:00.001-04:00

We often train women likely to be abducted by often specific foreign groups as Indian Guides. Its kinda like our girl scouts. We knew what you would think when you abducted her and we did nothing, we knew what kinds of points there were where critical events would be likely and focused our effort in interaction on those points. We knew you would observe her trained behavior as unique characteristics of innate origin and regard it as a puzzle.
*Also, you can interact with China any way you want to but you cant go back to Tibet now for even one more reason, but we are accustomed to people resisting this idea to their dieing breath which is why we assign importance to advanced medical techniques, especially in case they keep resisting till their seventh dieing breath*

Another Thing About Toltecs

2011-05-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

When we rise in levels it means we have increased the amount of time we can spend with the lowest level of sensory screening with the highest level of sensory amplification that we can accomplish without adding a regular drug, though we do use plants and things that can help clear our channels and nourish our abilities. The use of other kinds of drugs is only done for short periods of time at a certain stage of development and might not even be used in every case, to get a concept of what can happen, what is possible, but to be on a high level of accomplishment you have to get there without the drugs.
We gradually increase the amount of control we have over this and our understanding of the process so that we can go further. We often hit plateaus were we might remain for decades or we can go through decades of growth phases. This can be a guided process or something we do on our own.
In our method it is not uncommon to become companions of angels and to hear Allah. The difference of course between this and scizophrenia is that we remain organized in our thinking but because of the potential stress involved in this method we have practices to the extent that we have practices at all to amplify whatever traits we have that increase our organization.
We are known for pushing ourselves beyond our limits but this is not unique to our own school and is similar to the lightning path or really the same thing further out on the trail and we assume people on a lightening path anywhere would be good candidates for learning our methods.
On another topic though, we can verify the validity of a book like the Quran or a method such as Islam because we don't necessarilly have to only hear angels. We know that if we follow what the Quran says that is what we hear or rather the angels guide us as believers and that if we don't they guide us as unbelievers with all associated consequences.
We also like all the other schools are always observing and learning ways to explain more complicated things to more people though we have fewer restrictions on who we tell, considering a person's own capacity to understand to be the best screen, and we are much more likely to just let someone go crazy than any of the other schools even though they are also notorious for this.

Consensus Is That The Toltec Method Is Superior

2011-05-14T16:50:00.001-04:00

We all have ways of dealing with discrepancies between what we know to be true and what the rest of the world believes and how this contrast in views can conflict with different stages of life in different ways. I'm not certain how the Soufs deal with it but the Bonpos deal with it by causing people to have completely separate identities with entirely different sets of behaviors and memories and it can be very difficult to consolidate these identities into one continuous memory.
The Toltecs have found a way to avoid the completely different personas and also ways to make the personas aware of each other so that they can merge smoothly it is also possible for someone in a mixed setting to discuss things consistent with a separate persona that they have in another persona without informing themselves yet later remembering the experience from their whole self. This still takes work and time to accomplish but it exists in the Toltec method and not in the other methods.
Toltecs also meditate in a much deeper way more casually more of the time, and some of us don't know what it means to not be meditating and while a lot of people think Dzogchen sounds very advanced, its kinda like our kindergarten.
*Before steam starts coming out of anybody's ears, we can make Toltecs out of Dzogchen masters pretty easily but to be an Indian Chief you must have had a childhood brain injury signifigant enough that you don't just know some of the practices of the retarded but you have actually been retarded, thats not something that can happen in adulthood unless you are an adult when your brain begins to grow*

Talking To Unrelated Men (manishes)

2011-05-14T15:27:00.000-04:00

We all do it sometimes unless we live in a deep harem, but I was just pointing out the irony of going hardline fundamentalist on someone for some other thing when you are doing this kind of thing, because on the sliding scale music has a lower value than talking to men.

Wheat Berries

2011-05-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

This is a confusing term but it just means whole wheat grains that haven't been ground so they have the germ and the bran still in them and can be cooked the same as and mixed with brown rice or other similar grains.
I think it tasted better in my chili than plain brown rice though I got five pounds of very cheap brown rice the last time it was on sale at kroger at a dollar a pound. Expensive rice is rarely two dollars a pound though sometimes its a little higher (brown and white, specialty rices can run more) but rice is one of those things where you get what you pay for and a higher priced rice is not the same animal as the cheapest rice you can find however the cheapest rice you can find is one of the cheapest foods you can find in general if you don't have the extra 50-70 cents to spend.

A Benefit To Trying It

2011-05-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

The main reason so many parents are so dead set on getting their children diagnosed early is because it leads to a better check when they grow up. The parents who try to raise the same kids to a higher level of functioning and send them out to try to work tend to see them end up on drugs and then in some cases some doctor will decide that their difference from other people was caused by the drugs. For some families this is a bigger shame while for others its less of one.
The government is starting to lean away from rewarding parents for emphasising the differences in their children and would rather support a situation where those who try to work for a while sometimes get to live on a larger budget for a while but when no one will "try" them anymore they get the same check as the people with the same condition who didn't try but they have cooler stuff.

Acting "That Way"

2011-05-14T10:22:00.001-04:00

Roxy asked me what I thought about people in the "special" classes and was pretty surprised with what I told her. She was shy to tell me about her own situation, but Gramps had taken special pains to cultivate me so that even though I had to mainstream and wasn't supposed to think of myself as too similar to those who didn't too often because of the attitudes of others I always answered such questions from an understanding that wasn't always in the front of my mind and was sometimes forgotten as soon as I finished what I had to say.
I said that I didn't believe what they said about us, that I was the same but had been raised a different way and that people didn't have to learn so much of the behavior that people recognize so quickly as retarded. I did think this is true of more people than it really is back then and wasn't as aware of the full spectrum but this was because I had seen signs I felt showed much higher awareness in people socialized to act like they were at a very low level many times. I wasn't as attuned to how many people had been able to act socially normal but were deeply congnitively impaired at that time as I am now, but Roxy was and talked about how she and her friends did the "duck" test on new people to see if they were one of them or a real goomba. She said so many normal people fail that test that it has also become a joke with them.
But she also explained and I had heard this also even from Gramps that there were real differences and real barriers to normalization that were outside of our control regardless of their origins and acting a certain way prevents a lot of stuff that I've had to put up with. I beg to differ on that, people are more hypocritical than that and they only say "why cant you get a job" when I say something in a way that sounds retarded to them. But then again I understand how people need to not feel threatened by the people that receive assistance and this is an issue that was brought up in explaining why the people who wear red dresses act the way they do as well.
*the bottom line is that it is salient to people that we are different and our current society teaches a low tolerance for that and isolation especially when that difference is not due to a different cultural origin but variations present within all races and gene pools*

Pairing Up And Finding Roommates

2011-05-14T09:57:00.001-04:00

Last night on the news I heard the the disability insurance fund will run a deficit starting in 2018. I believe that is for people who get the "big" check and that unless something is done everyone will drop to the small check. I believe this because it was explained to me by the people who set up my small check that it was unlikely congress would do anything to shore up the big check especially as more and more parents were arguing for more and more types of diagnoses.
Roxy and I already had plans for this. She actually you know living here all this time, feels kinda odd spending beyond her basic needs and I cant imagine what I would need another $400 for each month either, but there was no option for people going on at 18 to take the smaller check. Of course she is a bit easier to house since she cant hear all the BS I have to put up with.
There are a lot of months on my check were I feel a bit constrained and though I would qualify for $80 in food stamps which would make a huge difference especially since inflation is figured by some magic that allowed my bills to go up but my check to stay the same the last two years, but a lot of people are hit by cars walking to the foodstamp office or even waiting at the bus stop and there is no privacy though legally there is supposed to be.
We are allowed also to earn $85 dollars in self employment income without a reduction in our benefits and then it is a reduction of fifty cents on the dollar for each dollar after that up to somewhere above $1300 a month. I always felt that I might have succeeded at working if more people like me were at least trying. I might not have, and you cant tell what changes would bring, but I feel like if more people asked for something or showed interest in something more people would think about solutions.
Anyway though, having a room mate, a partner or being in a couple splits rent and utilities in half allowing a better diet and more safety in emergencies.
Roxy has been having a bit of a problem with her clique though who weren't ready to accept me 17 years ago, and I couldn't give good answers to a lot of questions they would have then, and didn't really understand my own situation and how it is different from theirs. You have to have a clique if you aren't short. But at least Roxy is the leader of hers, Gramps had to deal with someone else leading his. I don't want to wait until 2018 though when they have to start looking for roommates for Roxy and I to be together. They would also be better off to start thinking of who they would be able to live with now.
*back then I didn't understand why they didn't try to do what I was doing, because I thought as long as you could complete a task the steps to get there didn't matter so much. Since then I have worked more and I realize that they police your thinking too much and that none of us can work under these circumstances. I still, however, believe in keeping the sword sharp and do not feel safe in a dependent situation*

Takfiris Never See The Second Day Of Summer

2011-05-14T08:56:00.000-04:00

Last night I heard a tape from some Al Qaeda person saying that Bin Laden was the "leader of all muslims" and it came across like he was calling all non Al Qaeda muslims kafirs.
I have started assuming everyone who calls me a kafir is Al Qaeda.
One option when one muslim is calling another muslim a kafir is that neither of them are muslims, but it is not an option that neither of them are kafirs because the prophet Muhammad said so.
So when some girls were chatting with unrelated men about how I am a kafir for listening to music in my private living quarters, I couldn't help be a bit smug.

Stacking The Deck Again

2011-05-14T08:53:00.000-04:00

At this point I believe that all the non christians or non whites who live here must have heard about his place word of mouth or seen an add, because only skinheads, methheads, or turks are being referred to this building. In fact when I was scheduling my appointment to view a unit I scheduled for unit 24 rather than the one I am in now, and Missy refused to show me that one, pretending somehow 24 sounds like the number of the unit I am in now after specifically asking me about upstairs or downstairs.

The last time I had turk issues it had a specific odor that is unmistakable but it was also during the Bush presidency. Obama isn't an islamaphobe or a racist, and he also had people questioning the validity of his birth certificate and citizenship.

Squiggly's Take On Men And Women In Relationships

2011-05-13T22:44:00.000-04:00

While Allah is the creator we still have lords and masters on this earth and while we can complain to Allah about them or ask him for things that our masters cant give us, or ask him to enable our masters so that they can give us things, on a more day to day basis he wants us to seek our masters because we are here to interact with one another.
Allah has laid down basic guidelines we all should follow but between them or around them there is a lot of room for individual leaders or people of authority to make different decisions and we are responsible to respect these decisions.
Squiggly has made the decision that whatever women need of sex, we can get from each other, especially because we tend to come in at least two types, but men have more important things to do. He does not want anyone who is healthy to be celibate, but it isn't necessary to engage in certain acts at all for any reason, and even those things that most people need sometimes don't have to be done by women of any status.
Whenever there is a situation where a man and a woman have sex, Squiggly often forgives the man but never forgives the women. He doesn't even care if they are married.
When comparing our conversations with Allah it became obvious that he was telling us we do still need to think of our husbands and care about the needs that only we can meet and Squiggly allows us to have husbands as long as we don't have physical relationships with them. There are different degrees of mental relationships we can have with them and we are allowed and encouraged to cooperate and to combine our means in many different ways. In fact he sets us tasks that we can only complete if we work together, but he never gives us time to be together even when he gives us opportunities to work our feelings out.
Squiggly went into a rapid death and rebirth cycle near the end of the passing 27 thousand year cycle, and because he was born last about two thousand years ago he decided to slow himself down and to also spoof that people would only be in the pit one thousand years. He doesn't have to let anyone out ever except at the end of each 27 thousand year cycle. During this new cycle he will guide us differently than he did in the past two thousand years and in the period before that, and in ten thousand years we will see the emergence of the dajjal who will probably rule for an additional ten thousand years or more. But at the end of the 27 thousand years the yellow wind will come, but Squiggly will not be on the surface and he will not have any "white" in him. By then he will have all the yeti men with him except for Isa who will be the only one of them to die. The rest will start a new cycle under Squiggly in which the role of women will be very different from what we have known and will practice this time. Those of us who are better than the general estimate of that time will be in proto jannah along with the few men who remained with Isa.

Not That Kind Of Slave

2011-05-13T21:08:00.000-04:00

I don't tell Roxy what to do except in cases where we are working on something together and I say cut me a piece of cloth four inches by 17 inches or something like that.
She is fully trained in her job and she does it.
She also doesn't tell me what to do except in the same way and when she needs me to do something she manipulates me.
There are some times when I am aware of things that she could probably take an interest in but in these cases she decides for herself what should be done unless she needs some direction from My Other Brother or from Squiggly.

Sick Freaks Rule The Planet

2011-05-13T16:37:00.000-04:00

And anyone who forgets that will be forced to join us at a very low level.
Roxy wanted me to point out some things. She doesn't actually have celiac disorder she just prefers to eat after other people. That isn't uncommon in our culture and for some people who rose in the world it was difficult to learn to eat before others, in fact some people declined advancement for this reason.
When I found out how many of the people I loved ate second I wanted to eat second too, but being an empress I have to eat first besides someone must so others don't starve. Gramps said he would eat first too so I wouldn't feel alone.

I do know some people with celiac problems who were trained not to eat after others or themselves. They have a lot of problems finding food that they can eat and getting the carbs they need. I've mentioned before that a lot of families realize their children have these kinds of problems when they refuse to eat anything and then one day they find them happily eating a turd. The amount of time it takes to break them of this tends to correspond with how generally impaired they are considered to be for the rest of their lives.

Anyway, some people have problems they impose on other people while other people don't have problems they cant find some resolution for without imposing on others but to impose your problems on people because you think they are sick freaks is like an invitation to be included in our future problem solving.

Roxy also wanted me to point out that she still has a nurse relationship to me and even though I am of very high rank among free people, she has to make me do things regarding my safety and she is very smart about this. Sometimes I realize things she has done and how I felt about them but when she tells me to do things I do them and complain later. Sleeping on the floor really is good for her spine and neck, but she could learn to sleep on a bed, and she could learn to eat normally too, but these things help make her life easier for her and I also think about them when I think "If anyone else had done that to me they would already be dead".

For Those Who Have Just Joined Us

2011-05-13T15:44:00.001-04:00

What I "can" do is irrelevant and frankly I have noticed "can do" seems to be in reference to a very narrow set of circumstances such as regarding lawyers or landlords which I do not engage in any way except in the payment of rent in a timely fashion which is what I actually do in all cases.
As for what "can happen" this is as wide as the world and the places you can choose to park or the people you can choose to interact with and in my case is not limited to my own person in any descernible way. In fact I never do anything at all, ever yet much much is accomplished if I will it.
*it is rude to honk in someone's window, it is even more rude to say "im honking in your window because I am better than you and I value the other people here" but that is not the only rude thing on this earth and people who are rude to their neighbors tend to increase the amount of rudeness in their world. There are things I know annoy people but I also enjoy doing and sometimes I choose not to do them and sometimes I choose to do them, like all other people on this planet and like everyone else, there is "nothing you can do" that I also can't do and the shortcomings of a lot of avenues of engagement are the same across the board, but I am actually better than you, being one who doesn't increase the amount of rudeness in her own environment because of things I was told by my foreman*

Proof One More Time

2011-05-13T15:40:00.002-04:00

Slaves do what their master tells them to do, or cues them to do. If he chooses to cue them with the word proof and even to assign a definition to this word that they are to recite when asked what it means, this does not have any innate relevance to reality or events as they actually unfold.

Things About The Pit Being Purged

2011-05-13T15:39:00.000-04:00

Squiggly kept his old master in a pretty low place in the pit because he could, but there was no help for letting her back out into the world when he had to open its gates and let people up here regardless of what they were prone to doing.
Still, it will be a long time before he has to do this kind of thing again, and she has not failed to live up to everyone's expectations.

The Difference Between Saliency And Proof

2011-05-13T15:33:00.000-04:00

Knowing someone did something is different from having proof someone did something. This is an important distinction regarding how society is configured and how people make their decisions in life.
The other day I was explaining to Roxy that I viewed some of her fancy associates differently because I was a mother and had also given birth to other people's children, yet they talk about there being no proof of that, or even they aren't sure of the relevance of any proof I might have or the need to evaluate any of it.
I said that the differences accumulate, in how people think, in what they do, in opportunities, in how we communicate everything we have to say and also what we basically have to say.
While I will say without proof that these things happen, they will say what they witnessed me saying was probably due to a lot of things that had occurred with other people mentioned in peer reviewed papers where the burden of proof was met. This doesn't change the impact of these events on my body, my memory or the impact they had on my character.
Bon, Soufism and Toltec ways all take saliency in higher regard than proof. Its not that we don't regard facts but people don't actually act on facts, they only act on what they are salient of no matter what the proof or facts say. While some people aren't salient of how so many people behave, to the point that if you do things completely unrelated to how you treat things that don't resist you or resist you effectively you can have access to weaker beings, but if you don't exhibit these unrelated traits people keep their kids away from you anyway.
This largely influenced Gramps' choices in the placements and natal nourishment of those he removed from their interfering lifestyles.

Cleaning Up Transmission Interference

2011-05-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

We have had problems with Ottomans for as long as they have been Ottomans. For this reason its pretty well known to us what kinds of people they attack and what kinds of attacks they use, but because we have been fighting for so long they know what messes us up pretty well also, though their practices put them at a disadvantage.
Some of their practices are of course designed to reduce that disadvantage and one of them is causing other groups to do their dirty work as this obscures their activities to a point that causes us to sometimes misfire or not know the right time for the most efficient attack, so when they used a pedophile group with no clear relationship with them to mess with us and me especially, Gramps decided the only thing for it was to kill them all. Unfortunately Roxy had been conscripted into that group, and though Gramps understood her origins and background and the fact of her enslavement he still had to kill her along with all the others in order to completely eliminate that particular frequency of interference especially to see what group the Ottomans would turn to next. Roxy actually asked him if he knew of a way to regress her to my age and because she was adult sized he really only had one option for that, but he could keep me behind a little longer so that she would seem to be one day older than me which is good when people misunderstand the nature of our relationship.
The Turks fought a bloody war against the Ottomans not too long ago, and though they got complacent with so many of the Ottomans activities focused overseas, they were warned this had happened before as well as we could do without being too specific about who we are.
So when the highest ranking Ottoman admitted in clear idioms obviously with a lot of thought put into them that he had done all I had said and things I hadn't yet mentioned in a way that many Turks were capable of explaining to people of authority in the US government many people remembered why they wanted to come here in the first place, even if they had previously been unsuccessful in that.

Baby Birds Make Me Wiggle

2011-05-13T14:13:00.000-04:00

It isn't something I can unlearn. Thats why I was sent back from Nashville.
Its important that people who live in this environment be more aware of the special dangers presented by the proximity of a university and the fact that uncontrolled, unscreened transients and visitors with unmapped tics can be passing at any time and a good drill for this is to be more aware of the known individuals.

Trading Up The Crap

2011-05-13T13:48:00.000-04:00

Its traditional in most of the ways of life that developed here for the woman or shorty to obtain the family lodge. Gramps also told me a lot especially when his clique was moving to larger houses in other neighborhoods that its really better to keep a sufficient house and to furnish it better as conditions improve rather than move to something that takes a lot more energy to maintain every time you start to do a little better. This is done for a lot of reasons but the main one he wanted me to think about was other people's envy. If you are broadcasting your wealth to all passers by you are asking for problems, but if people have to make effort to learn of your success by going inside your home and looking at your private things, those people's problems become opportunities for you.
He also told me the the house we lived in on John Fort Road was for a family with kids, and even though it would seem very small to a lot of people it did have three bedrooms, an eat in kitchen, a pantry and an attached garage and sat on a one third acre lot. When he was explaining all the reasons why Roxy and I wouldn't raise kids in our own home he also mentioned we didn't need as much space.