Though I get along better with black people than non black people, political realities lead to a conversation concerning the following. Its not just black people who have to maintain a certain type of persona to get through the day as asians and other groups do this to, but American black people have a system they have set up for dealing with the realities of this environment. They can maintain different personas suited to the individual personality, appearance and job type they occupy but they also have to have places where they can drop that persona, and these are often family dinners or cookouts. They often have unrelated guests at these events, but if a white looking person of any type were hanging around in any capacity they would be unable to reach the level of cortisol reduction that they need to be able to take up their persona again when they have to serve their next shift. I say it that way because they get the swing shift, the weekend shift, all the times whites don't want to work, but if they have these events or parties on a weekday there is backlash, so there are very few occasions when they can get together and if they dont mend themselves it might be too long before the next opportunity.
Anyway, I completely understood though I was a little grumpy about not having any place to do that myself and being caught between racial identities. I can relate more to black people because their population and mine retained some gene mutations other groups bred out and though we dont have a lot in common we have more in common between us than either of us do with europeans or other groups who are most of the others we deal with.
Though I can adopt several of the personas used by blacks to get by, I'm not allowed to rest in them as they do because of my color, and they don't suit me. My own group uses a different persona system as well and these personas though not suited to working are suited to survival.
I've mentioned two of my slave personas or possibly three, as Sick Puppy, Empress Cixi, and Holly. Sick Puppy is the slave girl of Jesus and he never loans me out or rents me out. Empress Cixi has been available on loan but like a panda, with a lot of restrictions and like a panda if those restrictions arent met not only does Empress Cixi die or get very ill but relations with the nation making the loan are severely strained. Holly is the amalgamation of experiences and perceptions imposed on me by people who didn't know anything about me at all but had a lot of assumptions, while she still exists, she was able to make changes in her persona making it a slave reflection of Pema Detsu in the situation I am now in, connected to all that bull shit but having moved on.
A lot of us are unable to be free all the time. There has not been a lot of development as Pema Detsu because Holly is so present and Donny has plans for her though again in her altered form, who knows where she is from, and who understands what purpose she served in the past to family and non family.
While some people believe Holly is someone who is the descendant of all the worst europe has to offer mixed with all the excess or chaos of asia, she is actually someone who is marked in her behavior towards the western world by this perception when in fact she has never stopped knowing the truth of her origins. She is the person who tried to reason with people about their perceptions yet falling deeper into them by trying to be a good sport and accepting the jobs or situations people could spare for who they thought I was. This Holly may have actually assassinated Empress Cixi because of how people regarded her, without any real knowledge or understanding and she sees those people as being of an even lower origin than what they attribute to her.
I don't know if Empress Cixi is completely dead any more than I am sure if Hirohito is completely dead, but I do know Dad isn't helping Japan with its culture any more than I am helping the US with its infrastructure or organization issues, though both of us may pretend to do that from time to time.
*one of the issues with Holly and becoming Pema Detsu is all the "mistakes" that were made by high ranking, wealthy or seemingly powerful people while they were believing in my prospects as relating to their assumptions based on no facts or understanding. Its a small thing now for them to be resolved just as it was a small thing for them to become problems back then. They have plenty to lose however I proceed in life, whether I sit here quietly or become a famous mountain climber or whatever, and for people who only need priorities for what to take when they could take anything from anyone at any time, the past of Holly is a great place to start*
