When I came to school I had perfect credit. I had payed or settled my debts almost 7 years earlier and I had not done a thing with it since. I also had been diagnosed with depression for which I recieved disability. I had tried medication for it, but while the medication did stop me from rambling on about every evil thing that happened in the world or to me, it made me angry, bitter and caused a form of self hatred that led me to thoughts upon which I obsessed dangerously about throwing my self out of moving cars and over bridges much as one would a sack of unwanted kittens or garbage of some kind. So after much debate with my doctors about it, to no avail, I made the decision to stop doing the meds under this reasoning: I felt that at no time in my life had anyone ever considered any mitigating circumstances when I was brought up on charges of anything no matter how unsubstantiated and for some reason I didnt really understand I would always recieve the maximum penalty. So I knew I was not inclined to any kind of violence without the drugs to myself or others except for yelling while the drugs were causing me to think about harming myself and others. And that is why I decided AMA to stop doing the drugs.
When I got to school I was hoping that new circumstances would re set my mental dialoge and improve my outlook, but I had the problem of waxing melancolly in the extreem when sleep deprived. I could do nothing no matter how hard I tried to remedy the situation of people thinking I had done some kind of terrible thing that they would not tell me about that led them to deliberately wake me ever single night. I sought out people who I understood could mediate in such situations but though that was what they were there to do, they refused to act in that capacity for "someone like" me.
I was at school hoping that I could normalize my experiences for a few years running in the mean time aquiring tools of a trade and seeking and finding gainful employment and eventually becoming self sufficient and functional. I couldnt understand what was wrong with that.
I felt people were being lied to about me, or that events were taken out of context by the people who made them neccessary, but no one would talk to me.
So I found shopping.
And when my credit ran out, I had luckily found crafting, which, while expensive to set up was cheap to maintain and I can aford it on my stipend and my pittance.
