I forgot to say where I am, Schollars Rock Too. I really dont think the traffic around here is normal. I have been harried from home to home and I wish I could say something helpful about how you could help and who could be doing this. It could be the Klan, or Mossad or anything. It can be personal, I just wont die and I know something and who knows when I will remember to say it. I dont want to write innapopriate emails but I cant give up on trying to be left alone. Im just one of those women, whith the wrong genes or background or wrong place at wrong time. Im trying to be seen as a human being worthy of defence but I dont think Im succeeding. I do not know what I did to be treated this way, if I did it might shed some light. I know you dont have resources for this or time. Is there nothing left of what america claims to be, where you can come from any background and work and have a modest life. I've refused to be a prostatue, a drug dealer, an accidental killer, a child abandoner, and dead. Any or all of those could be the cause.
Some one came and knocked on the door with a crooked nose and no accent and indonesian looks at the time I started feeling bad he had large swizzle sticks with him he was selling for the battered women's shelter. He seemed very odd and I didnt buy any. I only opened the door because I thought it was the mail man and when ever he knocks and I ask "who is it" he never answers so I just opened the door even though it was after dark. 2 things happend that and my mail man interrupted a lesson I was giving and I shouted to him to leave it at the door I would get it after my lesson, and when he acted like he couldnt hear I took the package from him and accidentally said quietly to my student after shutting the door that the mail man is an ass and I have told him many times I work at home and just to leave things at the door. then I saw my neighbor in 161 tell the mail man I said he was an ass and he called me a whore. I was very disturbed because I was not talking loudly and I was talking to my student on the phone. That is what made me think a little too strongly that he was listening to my lesson some how.
I think traffik increases a lot here around the time Im due for my period. But I dont think its my period that makes me think that.
That is what makes me think that my parents are in on this. My step dad used to be a lot more abusive to me at my time and my ptsd does increase then, like im conditioned to freak, but I usually dont unless there are a lot of events around that time, but this many events any time is kinda hard to take.
also a lot of people mention Alex Copeland to me. Like I did something to him or like he mentions me. and when I say it is strange that some one is mentioning him again they always say "oh yeh you know seven steps to kevin bacon" which is even stranger. He may have cheated off of me and gotten caught and wanted me to take the fall for it but I felt I had to go to university for an idea I couldnt define or give up.
Im trying to be to the point but it doesnt always work. The man at the door was the size and shape of the police man that used to answer my calls about harrassment at Eigenman dorm but who was unknown to the campus police when they came when I didnt call them myself. One time he also came with a woman who seemed uncomfortable about the whole situation.
Im starting to calm down but I sometimes have a hard time with sleep deprivation and I am worried I might loose my job wich is so hard to come by. I wish this would be resolved.
My parents always seemed to be trying to make christmas dissapointing to me to the point I tried to swear off christmass when I was still very young. Its not unusuall for people to do rash things at this time, but I have no intentions of doing anything but getting through my lessons for today, resting as much as I can this weekend, getting through next week and taking a few days off. Im a sincere muslima, If this thing is gonna kill me it will have to do it with hands other than my own.then this suffering could become reward.
Its my perception that my honesty and sincerity is the root of the cause of people's disdain for me. I try to tell the truth but I do lie if I dont want to be called a liar. like calling my parents my parents. that is a lie I often tell that I have little reason to believe anymore. Our relationship was not that of parent and child but of slave and master or overseer.
I hope this isnt too much trouble.
thanks if you can help god bless you anyway
Holly Oeding
